soul sisters

2010-09-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

hey everyone-

As you may or may not know, Mokena school district 159 is in the running for the Pepsi Challenge Grant this month. We are poised to receive $50,000 which would make a huge difference to the schools and help subsidize a percentage of the funding lost through dramatic state cutbacks. Every school district in the state is experiencing loss this year, so it goes without saying that if you're a person who likes to see kids have every opportunity a school and its community can offer, please do what you can to lend your support as these schools reach out to you. It could be one of the best teachable moments these kids will experience - - families, friends and communities working together for a great and important cause - school!

PLEASE help us get this grant by logging on and voting for Mokena 159 everyday. It takes less than a minute. Additionally, the committee has discovered that when groups partner with other groups, the votes and chances of winning drastically increase. So while you're logged on, please take the extra four seconds and vote for all the groups contained in this link. Mokena 159 is 3rd down but all the groups listed here are our partners.

So log on below, register if you're not registered already (it's quick and painless) and vote.

http://pep.si/Mokena3

You can also text your vote for Mokena 159 to Pepsi at 73774 and enter the following codes (must be done w/ separate texts):

100518

and then our partners codes (one at a time):
100857 100216 100511 102340 102320 100505 100847 100843 100506

thank you from the bottom of my heart,
jean

i'm sure gonna miss the guy.

2010-09-14T05:08:00.001-07:00

I was eight years old when Richard J. Daley passed away on a cold Tuesday. I was in Kelly Farrey's station wagon riding home from Brownies when Mrs. Farrey told us that Mayor Daley had died. I remember being sad. And how I just knew at once the moment was significant.

It would be years before I would understand that significance, and the scope of Chicago politics. Bilandic and Byrne, Vrdolyak and Epton and Washington. The Council Wars. The Machine.

This past week, I knew it was big. The entire newsroom stopped to listen to the radio as Richard M. announced he would not run for re-election this spring. Surreal and significant. Again.

He was my first assignment as a Sun-Times photographer.

I have never tired of seeing him in action. The happy, cat-who-ate-a-canary Mayor. The red-faced, sputtering Mayor. The guy who is Chicago.

It should be an interesting few months here in the greatest city in the world. Not that it isn't always. Politics keep the paper in business. I like the politics.

Mayor Daley has always kept it interesting. A regular news assignment takes on a sometimes strange and wonderful appeal with him in charge.

Being in his company always made me feel like I was still a Chicagoan, long after I moved to the 'burbs. Like most everyone else, I expected he would be in office until he ceased to exist, just like his dad.

My days might just be a little less interesting without his regular appearance in them. I appreciate what he brought to the city and even more so what he brought to my camera.

Yes, indeed. I will miss the guy.

when the greatest job in the world, isn't.

2010-08-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

I had one of those days.

Walking back and forth from Monroe to Balbo along the lake and Columbus for five long hours, dragging my equipment in the blazing hot sun trying my best to cover the Chicago Triathlon. It's an event that I have had the pleasure of participating in as a swimmer in years past.

Don't think I didn't want to dump my gear and hop into the water along with the rest of the swimmers. Instead, I was relegated to the sidelines photographing them.

I logged about five miles walking, I figure.
And not to say it wasn't a wonderful event, because it always has been.

But a crazy jealous streak rose up and turned to resentment as I sweated and hustled and tried to cover an event that spans about 30 miles.

It kinda sucked.

Yes, I do believe I have the best job in the world. And yes, I am eternally grateful for employment. And yes, I do indeed get paid for this.

But next year, I am gonna be the girl hopping in the water.

No doubt.

i'mmm back.

2010-08-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

Wow! Long hiatus and I am missing the blogging on photos, the paper and life.

Business is very good for jean lachat photography. I have been doing regular gigs, and this time of year seems to be the best for senior portraits and family portraits, with calls coming in all week long!

The weather is perfect; early evening sun makes outdoor photos beautiful.

My photo love workshops are getting lots of attention, and we have had so much fun. I am really proud of my students for the strides they have made in their personal photography. Check out this photo taken by Dianna Smoljan in my home studio!

I am checking on my daughter's soccer schedule and then will be planning a fall session. We generally meet on Tuesday nights and it's a ball. Check out the details on my FB page:

http://www.facebook.com/notes.php?id=141332561715#!/note.php?note_id=464823125306

On a personal note, I have met a wonderful guy, Rick Mahoney. He entered my life quite quietly and we have been inseparable ever since. He brings a happiness and peace to me and my girls that we have not enjoyed for such a very long time. What a blessing!

I am working on some great projects for my biz, and will be posting them here on a regular basis.

My deal-of-the-day is a contest for Chicago-area brides. You can win an all-inclusive planning service or a wedding planner for your special day. It's free to enter:

http://www.chekie.com/contest

Please tell them I sent you!

Enjoy my favorite season!

me n' betty.

2010-04-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

I walk into an Oak Lawn steakhouse last week, where I met up with Michael Sneed, one of my all-time favorite reporters, who was sitting down with Betty Loren-Maltese at a high wooden booth.

Yep. That Betty.

Betty looks at me, smiles, and says, "You look familiar. Have I met you before?

"Were you in prison?"

We both start laughing... not nervous giggles, but big genuine laughter and I am immediately at ease.

I tell her I didn't meet her in prison, but I did chase her down at the courthouse a few times.

For the next hour and a half, I sit as Mike asks questions, Betty answers, and I listen. And laugh. A lot.

Along with being a convicted felon and a former Federal prisoner, she is a real person. Her stories are sincere, highly entertaining and give a real look into what life's been like for the past eight years.

You can read Mike's stories here.

She does a much better job than I ever could at providing insight into this complex public figure.

I don't live in Cicero, and never have. All I knew of Betty is what I have read.

But I now know she has pretty much experienced a hell that she may or may not have deserved. She's a devoted mom, and has a wonderful sense of humor.

She's real, like it or not.

She looks good, and like many other women I know, she's trying to put her life back together to resemble "normal."

The interview was fascinating. During it, I tried to capture her personality in the few minutes of shooting I was able to have. I think it worked.

I am aligned.

2010-04-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

That is according to Dr. Kickass.

He told me that a few weeks ago.

I believe him.

After a several long, and sometimes painful and frightening weeks where I just wasn't totally sure I would ever feel right again, I feel really great.

I am energized. I am confident. I am healthy. And it feels that way inside and out.

The weather has had everything to do with it. It is easy to face a day when you are greeted by the 6AM chorus resting in trees that are on the verge of turning pink, white and red for the spring.

One by one, my doctors have said, "See you later, alligator." Or at least, "I don't need to see you for a year."

I had a lot of time to practice gratitude when I was home watching Oprah and The View and contemplating my next moves in life.

Once I was ready to head back to reality, I was truly ready.

I've had quite an amazing six weeks post-sick time.

An aardvark CT. Two massively huge front pages. A walk with Jesus. An invitation for cocktails from Betty Loren Maltese. The fans at the Sox opener.

Life doesn't get any better.

And in the center of it all, the Easter season. A time of renewal and hope and an assurance that life indeed is not meant to be handled alone.

I could say it's a coincidence that so many pieces are falling back into place for me.

But I know differently.

His plan is infinitely more exquisite and exciting than I could ever imagine.

And I am good to go.

sacrificing.

2010-02-27T06:36:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about Lenten sacrifices I talked about last night with friends.

I was reminded about something from way back in my CCD days, where I was told that the sacrifices are meant to assist in remembering Jesus' ultimate sacrifice. Not to punish, or to make us crabby, or to break us down, but to actually have an acute awareness of what Jesus did for each one of us!

I admire the intent to honor that during the Lenten season, especially as we approach Easter. I think that we can also achieve that same connection by working on exactly what PT talked about for the past month... our personal "junk," addictions, and character flaws that do not honor God.

Maybe make a commitment to NOT beating yourself up for the next few weeks. To talk nicely to yourself. To concentrate on not being nasty to someone in your life you don't like, but absolutely have to get along with!

To get the exercise your body needs.

To nourish your spirit by reading the Bible each day.

I read Hebrews 13 this morning, and before even opening the book, I prayed for some strength in my spirit and soul because I have been weak physically and emotionally this week.

To put it mildly, I got an earful!!!

I thought it might help my "Grace" friends, and anyone who is struggling with junk, like me.

And I would just like to share it with those I love.

spinning.

2010-01-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

It freaks me out, but happens so often, it's impossible to ignore.

Dr. Kickass and Pastor Tim were reading from the same manual this week.

Dealing with my junk. Thinking I can handle everything on my own.

KA called it "sitting and spinning."
PT called it the "spin cycle."

Either way, the cycle of spinning on something that is not healthy for you, or not right in the eyes of God detracts from the life that was truly meant for you.

I spin a lot. About all sorts of things, none of which make me particularly proud or content. I argued this week that slowing down the spin was progress. The good doctor begged to differ.

PT said that when you regularly and systematically engage in anything that goes against God and runs your life... any addiction at all... it sucks your time, your energy and your spirit dry.

So this week, as I find myself with extra time to slow down, relax and contemplate, I am taking their words to heart, and turning to the one place that can and will respond.

Help.

this is the year.

2010-01-17T10:56:00.000-08:00

I feel a huge wave of change ahead.

I am not even sure of what all will happen. But I am certain it's going to be big.

The year is off to a great start. I've reconnected with old friends and met some new ones. There's the occasional running, which clears my head and strengthens my body. I finally can breathe outward about many challenges that consumed way too much time and energy in my life. I have new challenges that all fall in the W column, regardless of the outcome.

I haven't felt this positive in a very long time.

And the weirdest thing about all this is I am actually seeing opportunities as they arrive. They are numerous and crystal clear.

I'm not looking at them, fuzzy and out of focus, in a rear-view mirror. I'm not spending time second-guessing and worrying about which path to take.

I am doing.

Really, really wonderful things happen when you are able to open you eyes, your ears, your mind and your heart. When you ask God to make the path clear so that you know where you are headed.

I don't expect that this year will be free of roadblocks both small and large.

But I finally feel free to know that it will be all good. In good time.

the love project.

2010-01-03T08:40:00.000-08:00

1 Corinthians 13

"1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails."

Visit www.1C13.org for a project that takes 14 weeks to complete.

The project's creator, a friend of PT's daughter, is a new believer who is absorbing the Bible for the first time. He decided to put faith into action by concentrating on one aspect of love from Corinthians 1:13 each week for 14 weeks. Parkview is encouraging us to do the same: making God the center of your world and experience His immense love for each of us.

I think this is a wonderful project. It takes a concept and breaks it down into pieces that are relative and do-able. It's a tangible way to experience the intangible.

It's patience week this week. If you are anything like me, opportunities to practice patience are abound.

But most importantly, I have to have patience with God. Part of living a full life is surrendering the control you think you have over your life (you really have none) and passing it on to the guy who has the roadmap. His travel plans may be different than mine.

I want to accept that.

Patience.

a decade to remember.

2009-12-31T11:30:00.000-08:00

The past 10 years have been significant to me in many, many ways. Particularly in the area of photography.

I started at the Sun-Times on December 27, 2009. Just in time for the millenium. I have been blessed with many wonderful experiences, none of which I would trade, and all which have defined me personally and professionally.

So, my "photos of the decade" encompass some of my best work as a photojournalist. Ever.

It's been a great ride:

Workers dig in the remains of the Milestone Tap, where several people were killed in Utica, IL where a tornado hit in 2004. This photo ran simultaneously in the front page of the Sun-Times and Chicago Tribune after Shamus Toomey and I (but mostly Shamus) weasled our way into being the press pool for the governor's visit to the site. And to this day, is the biggest coup of my career!

Tiger Woods reacts as he just misses a birdie putt on two Sunday during the final round of the PGA Championship at Medinah in 2004. And before his wife brought him to his knees in 2009. Poor Tiger.

George Ryan leaves Dirksen after being convicted on 22 counts Monday in 2006. That's Jose More's camera on the right. He missed this shot... sorry Jose!

With workers shoveling behind him, a man talks to his wife, victim of an overturned gravel truck Tuesday to a helicopter at the intersection of 159-Pulaski in Markham in 2005. No life-threatening injuries were sustained. Fire personnel rescued the woman and her baby. One of the best spot news photos I ever drove into. Ever.

Marines arrive at the Marine Sgt. Jeanette Winter's home in Gary to talk with the family in January 2002. This was the first fatality in our area from a war that continues to rage on, eight years later. Yes, eight years.

First place men's finisher Robert Cheruiyot slips as he crosses the finish line in the LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon in 2006 with a time of 02:07:35. He sustained fairly serious injuries in the fall. It's probably the best sports photo I ever was lucky enough to shoot.

White Sox Paul Konerko is congratulated by teammates Carl Everett, Tadahito Iguchi and Jermaine Dye after seventh inning grand slam in the 2005 World Series Game 2 at Comiskey. I thank Tom Cruze for offering me his seat at third base while he went to send some pics. I will never forget this night as long as I live. Go Sox!

Adam Flaherty, 5, looks for reassurance from his mom Karen Tuesday afternoon before entering Ogden School for his first day of kindergarten in 2000. Cute.

The best there ever was. The best there ever will be.

From left, Illinois Luther Head, Dee Brown, Jack Ingram, Deron Williams and James Augustine talk in the first half vs. UW-Milwaukee in 2005, on the road to the NCAA Championship. Illinois beat UW-Milwaukee 77-63, but lost to stinkin' North Carolina in St. Louis in the Championship. I am 0-2 for NCAA Championship series with my dear alma mater. I still hope that three times will be the charm.

Mourners, including daughter Megan Conlon, at left clutching her dad's fire helmet, watch for the funeral procession for Chicago Fire Department Lt. Scott Gillen to arrive at St. John Fisher Church in Chicago in 2000. Perhaps my favorite image of all time, since it still makes me tear up when I look at it. I hope these girls, who are now nine years older, are living good lives.

A couple enjoys an old-fashioned drive-in movie date in a '57 DeSoto at the Cascade Drive-In in West Chicago in 2001.

Mary Weaver, assistant stylist, center reacts with the rest of the crowd at at Laura's Hair Salon, 9858 S, Vincennes, as President Obama arrives at his swearing-in in 2009. Sweet.

WWII Veteran Arco Ciancanelli of Glenwood talks about his war days, in light of benefits he has yet to receive from his service. He received the Distinguished Service Cross to recognize his service. He was a character I will never forget. He received all his benefits after this story ran, and he died about six months later.

Mallory Gross, a pre-kindergartner at Brennemann School in Chicago tries to see around Lincoln Park Zoo gorilla Makari as she snacks of popcorn, honey and peanut butter with Rollie, a gorilla, who was re-introduced to her habitat in 2005 at Lincoln Park Zoo, after being treated in isolation for an illness the past few weeks.

Always good to end on a high note.

May you be blessed with happiness, prosperity and good health in the year ahead.

And may your photos all be worth 1000 words.

going home.

2009-12-28T05:29:00.000-08:00

Today we head back to Chicago from a wonderful Christmas shared with my sister and her family.

This was a fantastic trip. We were able to stay for five days. The kids all got along, for the most part. And Christmas was as magical as ever, with Santa dropping extra goodies down the chimney here in the foothills of Denver.

Chrissy's family and extended family are fun, warm, loving people. Doug's mom and sister are really like my very own family members. I've known them for well over 20 years now. And their brother-in-law Gus, and his parents are great people all on their own.

It felt as good as being at home.

But today we leave, and it's the part I dislike about visiting. Having to say good-bye.

It's never been easy for me, all the 17+ years Chrissy's been out here. Try as I might, she's not moving back to Chicago. And with all that I have in Chicago, it's not likely I will be moving out west anytime soon.

Time to shake off the sad feelings though, and be thankful that this trip was as beautiful as it was. We got out here safe and sound, despite bad weather on both ends. We were embraced by our Denver family, and were able to spend quality time with people we love.

And that's really what it's all about.

re-soul-utions.

2009-12-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

Time for the end of the year. The end of a decade, even. Time for reflection on which direction I am headed. Up, down or straight ahead.

I am going for the up route in 2010. Had enough of the down and certainly straight ahead just means more of the same. I am finding it harder and harder to settle for that these days.

Where are you? Where are you headed?

Where do you want to be?

I have asked these questions of myself a lot more in the past year. More than ever before. The answers have changed throughout this year. It's gone from," Ohhhh, I don't know..." (insert wallowing whine here) to "It's time." Like, now.

I can feel the change, and that is a very good thing. I feel the readiness, the willingness and the necessity converging into a very big year ahead.

I resolve to make myself healthier in 2010: physically, mentally and spiritually. That comes with both small and big commitments: eating better, exercising more, being present in my own life, taking care of myself, and embracing change.

Those are the general ideas. The sub-categories are far more detailed and numerous. But you probably get the idea.

Without goals, it will be hard to get anywhere. So I choose to make myself "publicly" accountable.

In my future: an 8K race. muscles. a clear head. more meaningful relationships. fewer commitments. a new home. new work to do.

And peace.

How about you?

comfort and joy.

2009-12-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

I love this time of the year. I love it more than I ever have because I feel like I finally get it. Or I am at least "getting" it.

Christmas is so much more than I ever knew. The depth of God's love and sacrifice has never been so clear to me as it is right now.

Is it because I am paying attention? Calming life down a few notches to look around, take in and enjoy? Taking time to listen, to hear and to understand?

All of the above.

Priorities are funny things. They can seem to re-arrange themselves in my life purely on their own, when in reality I am choosing my priorities every single day. Consciously or not.

Yep. I am finally getting it.

This season, my priority has been to truly understand the meaning of Christmas, and share it with people I love.

When the love is returned, it feels like I comes back to me ten-fold.

Whether it is Gabi dancing in the kitchen with Jim and Jack. Or the look on Don's face when he opens up his gift. Or hearing laughter coming from the basement as my daughters enjoy their friends.

In those moments, I feel loved.

And yes. I get it.

the jar.

2009-12-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

I received a gift this week that was truly about the spirit of the Christmas season.

Coming in from work the other night, I saw a gift bag tucked in between the doors in the front of my home.

Inside was a peanut butter jar filled with change. Mostly quarters, and a $10 bill. On the red lid in black marker was written "Merry Christmas."

There was no note.

I would love to thank whoever left it, and have tried to figure it out.
But so far, no luck.

I am amazed at the anonymous generosity. Although we sometimes struggle month to month, my family is far and away better off than many people I know. To think that someone gave up this sum of money to help us demonstrates what really matters: that people are good, and kind, and thoughtful.

I am so thankful to have received the jar. I may keep it on the kitchen counter as a reminder of the goodness in my life.

Better yet, I hope to pay it forward in 2010, and keep the spirit of this season alive and well.

Merry Christmas.

angels and demons.

2009-12-07T04:47:00.000-08:00

Have you met your angel?

Do you know you have one even though you've never seen him or her?

This weekend, PT told me more about my angel than I ever knew. And, because I had missed last week's service, I also got to listen to Bill Brown's awesome take on the supernatural online.

I know I have a very active angel. I know he works overtime. And I have actually heard him speak.

So this week's service was completely fascinating and wonderful. Well, just as much as every other week. Check it out for yourself here:

When my dad was having open heart surgery two years ago, it was a pretty intense time for my whole family. The surgery came up suddenly, and left little time for us all to wrap our heads around the situation.

I went running that morning to clear my head before heading to the hospital. Listening to my iPod and running east on 191st, the thoughts of everything that could go wrong went through my head.

And, I swear... on my life... that out of the blue, a voice said to me, "Don't worry Jeanie." I literally looked around, trying to see who said it, it was that clear.

And all I saw was the 5AM dark, and handful of cars driving down the street.

But I knew then that Dad would be just fine.

I don't hear my angel a lot. I've never seen him, though I like to think he looks like John Travolta in "Michael." He has big wings, and an even bigger heart.

But I know he's there.

And I know I keep him busy.

even when it hurts.

2009-12-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

I turned to Psalm 15:4 and didn't really know I needed it until the day had passed...

"...who keeps his oath, even when it hurts."

The words had rung in my head all day. And all day I tried, really hard, just for that day, to live right in God's eyes.

Did I succeed?

Ha!

But it did get me wondering. Yes, indeed. Why does doing the right thing sometimes hurt so much?

Maybe because I can't grasp the big picture, which is that it actually hurts a lot less than I it seems to in the moment.

Maybe because I live a rather selfish existence, where all that matters is the moment.

Regardless of why, it was a challenge. In what I thought, what I said and what I did.

But when the sun went down for the day and I laid down, knowing I gave it my best shot, it made it all that much easier to rest my head in God's hands.

Especially because it hurt.

thankful.

2009-11-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

I am thankful every day. And not just because I should be.

But because I really, really feel it.

I am thankful to have re-established a relationship with God this past year. I have studied and listened and see every day how He is working in my life.

I am thankful for my two beautiful daughters, without whom life would not be worth living.

I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for my eyes that see, my hands that work and my heart that feels.

I am thankful that I keep on keeping on. Despite the hurricanes, curve balls, and everyday BS that life hands out.

I am thankful for the people who choose to be in my life, just as I choose to allow you in. You are here because of a wonderful dynamic, and I love you more than I could ever really say.

Enjoy the day.

to receive is a gift.

2009-11-16T18:07:00.001-08:00

My eyes hurt from crying last night during the last session of our book club.

The book, "Soul Revolution," was tremendous in it's own right. We journeyed through the 60/60 experiment together for 8 weeks, setting our cellphones to ring every 60 minutes to think about God's presence and work in our daily lives.

It meant different things to the 12 members of the group. To me, it was life-altering.

But nothing quite prepared me for the exercise at the last meeting.

We sat in Jim's dining room, chairs in a circle, with one in the center. Each person took a turn sitting in the center. At that time, each person around the circle told the person in the center what they appreciated about their relationship with them, what gifts they have that are shared with others, and what qualities they have that they admire.

It was truly a beautiful way to cap off the 60/60. But for me, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Mostly, I have little problem telling the people I love how I feel about them. I have actually gotten better about that in the last couple years, thanks to my kids, and definitely after life revealed it's obvious uncertainties to me in no uncertain terms.

But to return direct eye contact (which was requested) and be told by people you care about that you have value, meaning and a positive impact in their lives, is amazing.

I never experienced anything like it. I have known these particular friends for over a year now. We bonded during Divorce Care at Parkview, and remain close to this day. I love these men and women.

So, it was much easier for me to express to them how much they meant to me, than it was for me to receive their profoundly kind words.

I sat, with uncontrollable tears rolling down my cheeks, almost unable to look at them and accept what they offered me.

Part of the scared, unsure little girl in me was comforted in those six minutes.
Part of the adult in me, who has not always done the right thing with her life, felt redeemed.

And perhaps most importantly, the voice that is sometimes too loud, too critical and way too unkind inside my head, was quieted.

I hope forever.

Thank you, friends.
Your gifts are immeasurable.

feeling like myself.

2009-10-14T19:29:00.001-07:00

My feet feel good on a football field.

The weather was football-esque in Calumet City this afternoon. Cloudy, grey. Chilly with a misty drizzle.

I stood alongside the TF North coaches I was photographing, as players ran their drills across a muddy practice field.

It was a perfect way to end my shift on an October Wednesday.

The smell of sweat and dirt clings to the air just enough to make it noticeable.

The players grunt out their routine. The coaches yell when the ball is dropped on a snap.

It's great being in the middle of it all. I would shoot a real game like that, if someone would let me.

And it doesn't matter what level the game is being played at. Little guys, high school, college or pro. I love the pace and the brotherhood of it all.

My love affair with the game really began in high school. I joined Brother Rice's marching band as a color guard, and sat in Gately stadium through all home games for two years straight.

Then, in college, I had a front row seat to some pretty good years of football at Illinois.

I covered the Bears for years when I worked at the Southtown, and then at the paper.

And while my time spent on football fields has been limited over the years, when it's time to step back in, it really is as though I never left.

I just love that game.

moving from 9 to 10.

2009-10-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

The book club meets every other week as a large group, and alternate weeks as a small group.

We are a fairly tight bunch, having known each other for over a year, and spending a good amount of time around each other. We have enough in common to bond, having met in Divorce Care at church.

An exercise this weekend in the big group asked each of us to rank how open we feel we are as a group, on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being completely open. Our discussion, taken from Soul Revolution, by John Burke, centered on being honest, being exactly who you are, and not hiding a part of yourself to make a relationship really work the way God intended it to.

It requires a lot of trust, we decided, to obtain that kind of intimacy.

Most of us ranked our group an eight or a nine. One jokester (Jackster) rated us at an 8.5.

The numbers speak for themselves. But did it reflect our perception, or what actually transpires at our bi-weekly get-togethers?

I mean, how well do you really know those you feel closest to in your life? Do you have the type of relationship in which you really, truly are free to be exactly as you are, and still be loved?

If not for the past year of group talk therapy and friendship, our numbers likely would have been much lower. We have spent the past year baring our souls, and in turn, blindly trusting those who share a common denominator: what should have been the most important, loving relationship of our lives ended up really, really hurting each of us.

We all carry our experience personally. We all made decisions based on the circumstances we faced, or continue to face. We all bear individual responsibility for our words, thoughts and actions.

But can I readily admit to anyone every shameful detail I possess? Do I need to? At what point does someone decide complete honesty is necessary to a relationship?

When you really, truly love someone, and you share exactly who you are, what if they decide they can't love you back?

When is that brutal honesty worth the risk?

I wish I had the answer to that. And while I think a "9" is a great place to be, a "10" would really be off the charts.

Don'tcha think?

record of my life.

2009-10-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

The fourth- and fifth-graders seemed interested - enough - as I talked to them yesterday about my job at the paper.

Somewhere between the story about photographing President Obama and one about being in a stunt plane, I heard what I was saying.

"I have been lucky enough to make a living doing something I really love to do, and having opportunities and experiences that I never would have, had I not chosen a career as a newspaper photographer.

"I still love what I do. Almost every single day. And I hope that each of you figure out what you love to do, and find a way to make a living doing it."

Wow, I thought. I really do love this. And man, am I lucky, or what?

I showed the kids a slide show of my past work. They were mildly impressed, and I found myself getting teary-eyed as I watched my photographs roll by to Springsteen's, "Your Own Worst Enemy." (Appropriate all on its own, BTW).

I have documented my life. Personally and professionally. I saw the people who have become part of that story. The Gillian family. Blago. Tiger. Richie. Megan.

The paper survived this week. Not by my hand, but those who settled for a lousy deal and the end of the union as we know it.

It was heart-wrenching. And besides 9-11, the absolutely worst day I have ever experienced in my professional life.

The good news is, the paper lives on for another day.

The bad news is, we have no idea how bad it's going to get.

I am a hopeful cynicist.

As I prepare for what very likely may be my last weeks or months at my paper, I am eternally grateful for the days I have enjoyed, and unafraid of what lies ahead.

how these days are.

2009-10-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

Emails. FB updates. Friends. Texts. Rumors.

Business as usual at the paper this week. But it couldn't be more weird.

The next 48 hours decide the fate of this place. In business for decades. People who have been with them through most of it. The best of times, and now the worst of times.

But the news keeps keepin' on.

A pet blessing, a booted car, Dirksen, business heads. Pretty normal stuff.

"How's it going?" someone asks in the office hallways. "Eh."

No other response needed. Everyone feels the same.

The clock hands tick off minutes. A reporter yells into her phone at one of her regular sources. An editor yells a question across the room. The scanners beep and the TVs keep playing.

Very "Lou Grant," and very much the place I have spent much of the past 10 years of my life.

No one knows what these next 48 hours will bring.

Maybe, just maybe, they will bring a peace of mind no one has felt here for a very long time.

I hope.

it's the simple things.

2009-10-03T04:17:00.000-07:00

The Dating Game at First Baptist Atlanta was a success.

The people were great; the entertainment value high.

I was able to see some of the people I enjoyed meeting during my first visit there in August.

Best of all, I learned something incredibly important.

People love when you remember their name!

There are two girlfriends I met in August at FBA, Kisti and Jane. I took their portrait, chatted it up with them, and thought they were very sweet. I remembered Kisti's very unusual name (it's a family name) and that Jane didn't particularly like her photo being taken, and that she worked with a lot of guys (a civilian at an Army office).

The two ladies approached my table last night, and I immediately smiled and called out,"Kisti!"

They couldn't believe I had remembered the name.
To be honest, I said to Jane, "I want to call you Jan, but I don't think that's right..."

But she said she was impressed; it was Jane. "But close enough."

We briefly caught up, and I asked them how they liked their photos from August.

Turns out, they really liked them, and were back to do some more.

Moral of the story: I enjoy connecting with the people I photograph. I always have, especially in the daily assignments for the paper.

But what's more important, people love that you connected and remembered it.

So simple, but so huge.

god sighting.

2009-09-06T13:51:00.001-07:00

The girls were in the car with me yesterday when I was stopped at eastbound Wacker Drive to make a left turn onto Orleans and head to the office.

There was a cab behind me, honking his impatience while I waited for pedestrians to cross the street in front of me.

Finally, the light turned yellow, and I slowly turned into the intersection. The light turned red, and I went to complete the turn when a cab coming from the opposite direction ran the red light and just narrowly missed slamming into the side of my Prius, and my two daughters and I.

The cabbie waved angrily at me through his window, as though it was somehow my fault. We finished the the turn onto Orleans and whew! Arrived safely into the parking lot.

My heart was palpitating, and I kept saying, "I can't believe we almost got hit. We could have gotten killed."

"That was a God sighting," Becky said.

"A God sighting?"

"Yeah, you know, when you see things that God does, that's a God-sighting," she explained.

That was a good one, I told her. I'm glad He was paying attention.

I need to become more like a 10-year-old. Be thankful that God is paying attention when you really need Him, and you don't even know it. Not angry, not vengeful, not filled with all the bad stuff. Just really thankful that God's got such a big hand.

This weekend, PCC associate pastor Jason spoke on the very same topic. Basically, become less like yourself, and more like Him. It was a great sermon and a wonderful lesson.

I listened and found myself wondering why that simple concept is just so hard. So hard to just be thankful when God's big hand reaches down and helps.

So hard to do the right thing all the time.

I am going to look out for the God sightings this week.

Will let you know how it goes.

bittersweet.

2009-08-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

The girls started school yesterday. They each caught their respective bus and headed off to their respective school.

We had a great summer together. It's funny how the not-as-good memories fade to the background in favor of all the good stuff you experienced.

Selective memory keeps you from losing your mind.

My older one tried to leave for fifth grade with eye shadow on. I promptly put a stop to that. She's going to have a tough battle with a mom who rarely wears eye makeup.

I told her, "unacceptable," and sent her upstairs to wash her face.

Next year is junior high. It might be a little tougher then.

I had mixed feelings dropping them off. Part of me is relieved, since we did face a few issues with day care this summer. Part of me is totally excited because the start of school has always been my favorite time of the year.

But then, there is the terrifying thought of them getting older. And facing things like the make-up. And having to do it these things on my own, with no back-up.

Will I survive the teenage years? They aren't even there yet.

I read a chapter of Romans this morning:

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." And hope does not disappoint us." 5:3

Here is the version I came up with:

suffering = perseverance = character = hope.

Hope = gift.

neighbors.

2009-07-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

My friend Kris lost her dad to cancer last week. He was only 65, and young in a lot of other ways, too. He will be missed.

Kris and her husband Marc have been such a blessing to my family. Aside from being outstanding individuals, she has regularly gone over and beyond her neighborly duties for us. Always with a smile and a kind word. They are the kind of neighbors we hope to always have, no matter where life takes us.

I have had plenty of great neighbors throughout the years. Bob and Carol, Mickey and Wynn.

In Oak Forest there were Mike and Cathy, and Diane and Dave. Char and Heidi. Jim.

There are the neighbors who are good because they don't bother you. Then there are those who take your mail in when you are out of town, and let your dog out when you are gone all day. They have your house key and they watch out for your kids.

Kris agreed to watch the girls for me this summer, at the last minute, when I really needed someone. She is patient and kind even when the girls don't feel like cooperating. She has taken them to their summer camps and lessons, and taken them in at 6AM when I had to work early.

And though we don't "hang out" per se, we have been known to throw back a beer or two while enjoying one of their summer suburban driveway campfires.

And that is the type of relationship that might often go overlooked. But without which, life would be so much more difficult, and far less enjoyable.

Recently I ran across something that struck me so significantly:

God gives you the "family" you need, exactly when you need it. It is most likely not your "real family," most often is not. It is just Him working in slight, subtle and almost unrecognizable ways to help us bear the burden that every day life sometimes brings.

What a blessing.

a night at the ballpark.

2009-07-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

I felt like a kid again, holding tight to Jess' hand as we walked toward the Cell for the Sox game last night.

Thoughts of my dad hustling four of us from the car to the entrance of the old Comiskey ran through my head.

Memories of the homeless guys with cups and the peanut vendors (the nuts are better and cost half as much on the outside of the park, dad always said) came to life on this perfect Tuesday evening.

Sox games link me to my childhood, even at a different park and being a mom, it's like taking a step backward in my history.

As kids, my dad took us there a few times a summer. There was ComEd family night (Commonwealth Edison back then). And I could usually pull a few As and Bs to earn free tickets for another game.

In 1983, Chrissy and I were at the park with mom and dad when the Sox clinched their Division title. We waved our big foam fingers and wondered why mom and dad wouldn't let us run onto the field with the rest of the crazies.

Now, with Jess, I have a real good idea why.

I sat next to Jim D. last night and told him I could literally hear my dad in the stands. And for the record, this isn't an obit... my dad is still alive and well and coming to a game with us next month!

"Awww, for chrissakes!" I heard dad say.

Oh, wait, that was me.

The Sox couldn't seem to hit the ball out of the infield for the first five innings.

"My grandma coulda caught that ball," I hollered at Podsednik, who let what looked like an easy fly drop in front of him.

Jess sat through the entire game, ate everything in sight, and complained just a little. Much like I probably was at the age of seven with my dad.

But surrounded by friends, and relaxing in the left field bleachers, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Except maybe to have dad sitting there with us.

thoughts on vacation.

2009-07-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

After a beautiful week of new friends, a ton of fun, and the US traveled, I arrived back to staycation last week.

A few more days unpaid until reality had to set in.

But it's back with a vengeance. The X, the money, the house, the job.

Yes, it bites.

Fair Hills Resort was better than great. It was awesome. Quality time with the girls. GREAT people. Friendships formed. And this was all in addition to all the activities that kept us amused morning till night.

We can't wait to go back. It was everything I hoped it would be, and more.

I thought quite a bit about the concept of vacation while I was driving home.

Italy? Disney World? Grandma and grandpa's lake?

Your own little place to escape to?

It's a state of mind, really. When you are able to relax and the pressure of everyday life relaxes for just a few hours, a few days or a week.

To me, that idea of "vacation" necessarily included a "vacation family."

From my very first vacation at Sunny Brook in South Haven, MI, the friendships made all the difference.

The Dockuses and the Roemers were my Sunny Brook cousins. Mary, Jimmy, Heidi and Ruth were pen-pals and phone calls from a pay phone at Newman Pharmacy, because dad wouldn't let us call from home.

All the way to Fair Hills. A new chapter for just me and the girls. The Clarks, the Waids and the Buells made our vacation complete. They are emails, and photo sharing and Facebooking now.

It would not be a vacation to me without these friendships taking off.

I am grateful for my very first vacation friendships, and I am eternally grateful for those that were formed since. For me and for my girls, who are learning that the best things in life are always the people that take a chance on you as a friend.

Especially while on vacation.

independence day.

2009-07-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

It's either the ultimate adventure, or the ultimate in bad judgment.

So far, so good.

A slow ride through the Illinois/Wisconsin border, competing with thousands heading to the dells, along the boring four-lane highway known as I90. I am glad I hardly ever have to drive it. It kinda sucks.

Good mileage for the Prius, though, which is what I tell myself every time I get stuck in traffic.

The girls were model passengers, and I only had to threaten twice to pull over. I told them before we left that the moment there was any sign of fighting, we would pull over until it stopped.

Very mom of me, but it worked wonders.

Today, the trip is two hours shorter. It's pretty up here in Eau Claire, WI. So many thick, green trees. It's almost unreal.

I have a mixture of emotions. Excitement, joy, nervousness, and a touch of weird, but not unexpected sadness for what used to be, as I firmly establish my place in this life.

The single mom and her two daughters travel to a family resort in Minnesota, knowing no one but each other.

Happy Independence Day.

softball is life.

2009-07-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

Softball is officially over for the season.

Two championship games.
One first place team.
One championship.
One third place finish.
One second place championship.

One All-Star game.

One of the most improved players on her team.

I have been a very reluctant softball mom for the past four years. It has been a hassle: a scheduling nightmare, long, often boring, political and sometimes way too intense.

And that's just the parents.

This year, as the season ends, I have learned to enjoy the games. It wasn't easy, and it didn't happen overnight. I simply had to come to terms with the fact that I had to actually sit still for two straight hours, and do nothing but relax.

This, my friends, was the secret that no one shared until this year.

Two straight hours of doing nothing but sitting, relaxing, and watching the girls try really hard.

Other "things" I also did at the softball field:

Solidified friendships, both old and new.
Witnessed the girls make new friends with their teammates and extended families.
Brought cold water on hot days, and hot coffee on cold days.
Learned to never left the house without a blanket and my Illinois camp chair.

The hardest part? Sitting still.
The easiest part? Cheering for each and every little girl.

It was an awesome season.

I learned an awful lot. Like, I actually can sit still.

Except maybe during playoff games.

See you at the field.

signed,

a softball mom.

choosing between happy and happy.

2009-06-26T19:49:00.000-07:00

My lil' family faced some tough decisions these past 48 hours.

Drowning in softball, we had to decide whether Bec was going to make it to her second playoff game, or proceed with a previously planned trip to Michigan to visit my parents.

Softball won.

Then came some not-really-but always-kind-of-anticipated difficulties from the X. One thing led to another, and I was left scrambling to figure out how to still get to Detroit for a Saturday night event with Cache Connections , have Bec make her afternoon game and avoid asking the X for any help, strictly based on principle.

I woke up at 3:30AM this morning to think about it. And with just a little (okay a LOT) of help from my fantastic friends, it worked it out.

So, instead of hanging with Fishy and Papa at the lake tonight, we were able to go to Culver's for dinner with our softball friends for dinner after Jess' first playoff win, ever.

Hard to feel bad about missing out on something when you are being bombarded with love, laughter and the company of truly outstanding friends.

Happiness is everywhere. Even when you aren't looking, it sneaks up behind you and gives you a big, warm hug.

Be ready. It's coming for you.

i remember.

2009-06-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

"The" Farrah Fawcett poster. I had hanging in my room. My older sisters made fun of me for it, and I was too young to really understand why.

To me, she was everything I guess maybe I wanted to be. Beautiful. Cool. Confident. Tough. And an "Angel."

We had the Charlie's Angels barbie dolls. I was always Jill. My sister Chrissy was always Kelly, and Suzy was always Sabrina.

The show was never the same once Farrah left, and replaced by Chris.

We also had a CA board game, and a secret Charlie's Angels fan club, with membership limited to the three of us and a few neighborhood friends.

Who didn't want to be able to kick some bad-guy ass every week with your bare hands? After all, the guns were really just fashion accessories.

And then, Michael Jackson. His death today only deepens the sadness and nostalgia for my generation.

Everyone loved him for his music, his immense talent and his ability to entertain.

Thriller, one of the greatest albums ever made. Loved by all. White, black, old, young. It didn't really matter. Even my dad liked him.

We danced to his music as teens on Sunday nights at Cagney's, an Oak Lawn bar that catered to teens that one night a week. It was where I first saw the much-anticipated Thriller video debut on MTV.

That night, the whole bar fell silent as together, we watched the magic unfold on a big screen television.

Jackson's life took many strange and troubling turns through the years. His death leaves many questions unanswered. I am certain in the weeks ahead, much more about his private life will be made known. Much of it will likely be even weirder than I can even imagine at this moment.

But nothing can take away the memories these two pop culture icons impressed in my formative years.

It reminds me that I am not getting any younger, but also that my life was made richer by the talents these two celebrities shared during a most impressionable time in my life.

blues, blues, blues... greens, reds, yellow, oranges.

2009-06-17T16:15:00.001-07:00

Thought I couldn't shake them blues lately.

Nothing in particular, just a few of those days when nothing seems quite right.

I spent a weird lil' day off gathering materials for a bankruptcy attorney and my divorce attorney. Have to meet with both to straighten out what I can, and continue the forward path in my life. Much like my divorce, I am facing a situation that really sucks getting through it, but you just know there are better days waiting on the other side.

I am going to give up on the house. Wave the white flag. Start over. Definitely not in the way I had hoped it would have gone, but circumstances sometimes spin out of my control, and take on a life of their own.

My friends are absolutely the best. I know that whenever I feel kinda crappy, I just need to sit down to a beer with them, and I feel so much better. It does wonders for juggling your perception and knowing everything is going to be just fine.

I have been reading Psalms the past week or so. I have learned so much, and again, miraculously at a time when I really need it:

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

"How awesome is the Lord Most High." Psalm 47:2

"...in God I trust, I will not be afraid." Psalm 56:4

Now, if only these mantras can fill my head and my heart.

I will see in rainbows again. Soon.

"

welcome back.

2009-06-13T08:21:00.001-07:00

I don't know if I was avoiding writing or just didn't have the time.

Perhaps just a little of both.

Softball season takes up most of our "free time." So in reality, free time has been relegated to rain outs and other Acts of God.

There's not enough of it.

I was on furlough this week. Without Pay (WOP) week. Staycation. Whatever you want to call it.

Like millions of others in this economy, I am facing a 9 percent paycut and eight days without pay. For a grand total of a 15 percent cut.

I like being off. But it's a bitter pill to swallow.

"At least you still have a job."
"It's better than a 100 percent pay cut."

Yes, I know that's all true. The X finally will be employed again, beginning Monday. It's of some relief. Financially, it has been a pretty rough five months, and I have worked almost seven days a week to make sure stuff gets paid.

There has GOT to be more to life than this. Doesn't there?

I met with Dr. KA yesterday. We talked about plans for my future.

"Do you even know what you want?" he asked.

"I want to be happy and peaceful," I said.

"Ummm, nope. You don't even know what that means," he replied.

He's right. and that is both frustrating and insightful.

I am not looking forward to getting back to work. I enjoy being with the girls, going on a field trip with Bec, hanging out at the library. Doing some "happy photography." Not rushing around like an idiot to make our full schedule of games. Seeing friends and having sleepovers.

It's all good.

It's time I do figure out what the "happy and peaceful" thing is all about.

Otherwise, how will I know how to get there?

finally.

2009-05-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

How do you finally face the fact that you tries to help, but never even had a chance with someone who can't be helped?

That for almost half of your life, you thought by being kind and patient and good and tolerant that things would get better. That somehow, some way, by being an example, magically, the other person would finally see what you had pleaded for and fought about so hard, for so long, that it almost destroyed you, and most certainly destroyed "us."

I figured out that it's when enough is enough. When it hurts more to allow things to stay exactly as they are, than it does to do something completely different. When you are finally ready to risk being hurt, failing and accepting change, then you finally face that fact head on.

Yes, Dr. KA. I get it now.

The X pushed himself over the edge of my cliff of tolerance this past week.

It wasn't any different than the many scenarios I had faced over the past 15 years.

I disagreed with something he wanted to do. He didn't like it. He started off reasonably enough, pleading his case, then quickly moved on, reminding me that I was ruining his life.

Then the emails came. Cruel, crazy emails, one after another.

I answered the first one. Calmly and rationally explaining why I felt the way I did and that was it. Done. Finito.

A couple more arrived in my inbox. I hit the delete button and went to bed.

The scenario is the same. He rages, he spews, and then he's done. Everything in his world returns to normal, and I am left wondering what happened, scarred again from the verbal and emotional abuse that is so familiar.

He's not doing it anymore. I decided that night it was the very, very VERY last time.

I've said it so many times before, but this time, I felt the conviction rise from my toes to my shoulders.

You stop being the victim when you stop allowing someone to victimize you.

This is very different for me. I always, always, always held out hope that things could be different. Better. Calmer. At least civilized.

It's never going to happen. And I am done trying.

Finally.

mother f-er, may i ever get through this month?

2009-05-06T18:58:00.001-07:00

All my worlds collide from mid-April to mid-June.

And as luck would have it, it's been a fairly busy time for my blooming photo biz as well.

Don't get me wrong, I love the work. More than my "real work." Which I currently and fondly refer to as the "death chamber," with all the good news flowing about and all.

So... work (any kind) = happy me.

Add dance, a recital, softball for the girls, softball for me and all the regular commitments we keep every month, and it's a lot like paddling through wet cement.

Today we had to decide between two softball games and dance.

Dance won, and my secret prayers for rain on this gorgeous day may have been heard. Clouds are rolling into town and perhaps a nice long downpour could happen right about 5:15PM. Bec can get to dance without having missed a softball game. Yay for us!

That's just so I can complain when the game is re-scheduled, don'tcha know.

Minnesota in July is sounding better and better all the time.

And just to keep life extra-interesting this week, I got an email from a former friend. I lost the friendship when I wasn't sure I would, and it hurt a lot. But I thought I was doing pretty well with that.

Until the stinkin' Crackberry buzzed and the email popped in.

It was no big deal. Just really unexpected and pretty weird to hear from someone I once used to talk to with some regularity. You hope, however, that life moves forward. Relationships are lost or irrevocably damaged, and you either adjust or you spend a lot of time paralyzed by a situation you can't control anyway.

Dr. KA tells me all the time that you do the best you can with what you know at any given moment. That life hands you lessons and you can either choose to learn from them, or you can react the way you always have and get the same result.

Today, I talked through the email with Patti, and together, we got me off the ledge.

I learned something new, and in the midst of everything else that is going on, I chose not to hurt anymore today.

It's 5:10 PM and the rain has arrived.

God always hears me. Even when I think He might be too busy to listen.

why am I so blessed?

2009-05-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

I listened to a Holocaust survivor and incredible speaker at an assignment this week.

Gerda Weissmann Klein, is now in her 80s. Her family was forced to live in the basement of their home in Poland when she was 15. They stayed there three years before being separated from her parents and only brother. She never saw them again.

Klein's story brought me to tears. She talked about a childhood friend who died in her arms while in a Nazi labor camp. The 350-mile death march she was forced to do, and her liberation one day before her 21st birthday. She spoke of being sick, hungry and near death for many very long years.

What kept her going? Klein said in the darkest hours, she thought back, in her heart and in her head, to times before her family's life was forever changed. She said she could picture her family in their living room. Her father was smoking a pipe and reading the evening paper. Her mother did her needlepoint. She and her brother sat at the table doing their homework. "It was what I called then, a very boring evening at home," Klein said.

Klein continued on. "When you go home tonight, approach your home with the eyes of a hungry, sad, homeless person," she said. Go in, and be thankful for all that you have. Don't think of what is missing in your life, because everyone's life is missing something. But approach your home like a hungry, homeless person, with their eyes.

And when you are there, look around you.

Then ask yourself, "Why me? Why am I so blessed?"

rites of passage.

2009-04-27T05:57:00.000-07:00

I met a great group of teenagers this weekend.

And I'm not always too fond of teenagers. One of my least favorite situations is being on assignment and getting caught in the hallway of a high school during a change of classes.

It makes me feel suffocated, nervous, agitated.

But this was only six kids, and they were great.

I was invited to photograph Natalie's prom.

When I first arrived, the girls were giggling uncontrollably as they got ready in a bedroom. I snapped some photos, and hoped they would relax enough to let me into their world for the night.

It worked.

I think.

The dates were just as nice as Natalie and her girlfriends. Respectful, cooperative, NICE guys. They played along without a single complaint, and even seemed to enjoy themselves while hundreds of photos were being taken.

I followed the group to the Field Museum, where prom was being held. I waited with Jim D. and the kids to be allowed into the big hall, which was still being set up.

As I watched more kids arrive, memories of my own prom, in 1985, came flooding back. I went to prom with Al Sarro, a good friend who sadly did not return the affection I felt for him.

But Al liked to dance. He was adorable, and a lot of fun to be around. We had a good time, and I am forever grateful for the good memories that remain from an important night in a teenager's life.

I wondered if the 2009 prom couples realized they would also likely remember this night well into adulthood. Good or bad, memories were going to be made that evening that quite possibly would last forever.

Looking older beyond their years, but also like nervous kids, they walked up the steps to the historic museum, dressed to the nines and ready to allow their life to happen.

I felt honored to be part of it.

And I found out that being around teenagers isn't so bad after all.

the love/hate relationship.

2009-04-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

The pushing, shoving, yelling and swearing... all for about 30 frames on my camera.

I lasted about three minutes, and I had to get out.

The scene at Dirksen Federal Building resembled a pack of wild dogs descending on dinner this morning, as our former governor appeared before a judge to hear what counts were being held against him.

He pleaded not guilty and walked out five minutes later.

I was outside the courthouse about 9AM and waited for him to arrive. He showed up, stepping out a large, shiny black GMC truck around 10:50AM.

All smiles, he answered questions and slowly pushed his way through the throng of cameras into the courthouse. He smiled, spoke pleasantly and seemed to be enjoying the attention.

What was it like to be there? I enjoy the camaraderie of the courthouse. I didn't used to like it there. But courthouse duty very quickly became part of my job. It was easier to embrace than fight the inevitable.

The guys I work with from the other paper in town and the TV stations are all very cool. We stand and wait. We wait and stand. We talk. I was next to a cameraman from channel 11 today. We talked about running, marathons and taking care of ourselves. The time goes by fast, and at the courthouse you are always waiting around a lot longer than actually shooting.

As great as they are as people, they can't help themselves as soon as a shot is at stake. It's incredible how we talk nice, then turn on each other, mobbing our subject, even one as agreeable to the attention as the former gov.

After the melee, cluster-fuck in newspaper language, and the guv makes his way through the door of the courthouse, we all rush in behind him to send images and tapes to our offices and trucks. His indictment doesn't take long, and before my pictures make it into the office, he's on his way back down and I am throwing my coat on to run outside to do it all again.

The scene on the way out is even worse. Running, pushing, smashing into each other. I was getting pounded into the ground by the crush of cameras and microphones on my head. The guv even asked if I was OK at one point.

It's a love/hate relationship with my job. The adrenalin rush in some situations is like a drug. Getting a great photo feeds the habit. On the other hand, I felt suffocated and for a brief moment, did worry about my safety. And my dignity.

I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. And when it's over and the paper turns out its lights forever, I will be forever thankful for the very experiences I inexplicably love and hate simultaneously.

i heart my miserable life.

2009-04-10T19:01:00.000-07:00

At least that's what Dr. Kickass told me today.

I enjoy meeting the low expectations I have set for myself. I have no real desire to change. I am comfortable with status quo. It's what I know, and all I expect.

And that was probably just the first 10 minutes.

The problem is, is he right?

If he wasn't so entertaining in how he delivered that message, I probably would have burst into tears. However, I tend to take myself much less seriously these days. I laughed, agreed with him and then got angry.

I am not sure if I was angry at him (he doesn't care) or myself. Probably more at myself.

I hate when people who act like they know everything actually do.

So then he tells me I believe, for exactly one hour a week on the Costco love seat in his office, that I want to do things differently. Be better to myself. Expect more. Rid my life of the chaos I create daily, which is the source of my constant exhaustion.

I try to argue, but I realize he's right. I am content with the status quo. I do nothing to improve on the very situations I bring in to talk to him about every week.

"I want to change," I tell him.

"No you don't," he says.

It's Easter. A time of new life, of a renewed promise. Can I hold myself responsible for the change I so desperately need? Can I honor God the Father, who wants so much for me to have the fullest life possible?

"Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I read that verse this morning, about 4 hours before my appointment on the Costco love seat.

Sounds like a really good place to start.

and I will be free, indeed.

2009-04-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

Life sometimes bears down with a heavy hand.

Sometimes it makes it hard to breathe. Sometimes I feel like throwing up.

The money. The job. The house. The boss. The relationships. It's f-in exhausting.

I currently average about nine hours of sleep a night and still, I am beyond tired. What is the deal with that?

I am looking forward to church this weekend. It's my first Easter as a believer, which illuminates the meaning of the season 1000 times. PT's sermon two weeks ago made my heart hurt. But in a good way. Meaning, I think it was supposed to.

He talked about Jesus' last words on the cross. The unspeakable pain he felt. The humiliation and suffering he endured. For me.

For me.

I need more faith. I need to believe more that these silly problems I face are just that. Silly.

Sometimes I feel like God is looking at me and shaking His head, saying, "Jeanie, Jeanie, Jeanie. Why do you spend so much time on these little piddly-ass problems? Don't you know that I have it all under control? For you.

For you."

Why is it so hard to release everything to the cross and be free, indeed?

69 posts and still talking about ireland.

2009-04-02T14:28:00.000-07:00

69, dude... wahhhannngggg.

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure fans unite!

And not too totally unrelated, this is Blackie O'Connor.

He is apparently well-known around County Clare. And I am sure it is not just for his Irish pipe playing, though it certainly was charming to listen him play outside Newtown Castle on Barb and Patrick's wedding day.

In Ireland, he was a "good-looking lad, isn't he?" In America, he is just plain hot.

How hot was he?

So hot that while my buddy, the bride, was ascending the castle stairs to meet her soon-to-be husband, at my recommendation, we paused at floor two so she could get a good look at him.

And while his name wasn't Patrick O'Malley, it was a pleasure making his acquaintance none-the-less.

I heart Ireland.

them irish don't mess around.

2009-04-01T05:31:00.001-07:00

So, another random story from Ireland.

Still the best trip ever, and I can't seem to stop talking about it!

Chrissy and I were on the plane high above the Atlantic, when the flight attendants dragged the "duty-free" cart down the narrow aisles.

"Cigarettes?" they asked each row. Perfume and booze were also available. Tax free!

One look at the cartons of cigarettes and Chrissy and I laughed until we cried.

"SMOKING KILLS" screamed the warning on the side of the carton.

"SMOKING CAUSES FATAL LUNG DISEASE" screamed another.

So much for the pussy surgeon general's warning we get on cigarettes here in the States.

"Ummm, I'll take two..." I said to Chrissy. We laughed even harder.

I chased the flight attendants to the front of the plane to take a few snaps before the carts were put away.

Which they thought was hilarious.

And in case you were wondering, the people were snatching up the cartons at a record pace.

Maybe they missed the warning.

why irish eyes smile.

2009-03-26T09:35:00.000-07:00

I tried to blog from Ireland, I really did. But the wrong plug for my Mac, combined with erratic Internet connections made it pretty much impossible for me to do so. Which naturally had it's upside.

It left more time for me to drink and sleep. With emphasis on the drink.

Not in a bad way, mind you. Just in an immersion-in-the-culture kind of way.

Chrissy and I hung out, talked and enjoyed the sights, sounds and smells of a country so lovely that it often looked more like a movie scene backdrop than reality.

We were blessed by our stay in Doolin, County Clare. It's right on the ocean, and a short boat trip from the Cliffs of Mohrer, which was an amazing site to see. Huge jagged cliffs, distinguished by age, and guarding the western side of the country. It was the most tremendous natural sites I have ever witnessed.

We had the pleasure of meeting Susan Daly, owner of Daly's B&B, where we stayed. With her wonderful sense of humor and knowledge of the town where she was born and raised, we couldn't ask for a better host. We loved everything about her, down to her red hair and thick brogue. She made sure to teach us a few things about the people and history of Ireland, and made us right at home.

The countryside was green and open, complete with the shale walls everyone sees in Ireland photos. It was clean and fresh and at night, you could count the stars in the sky. We enjoyed perfect weather and sunshine for the whole week.

Barb and Pat had a beautiful day for their wedding. The sun shone for the couple hours we needed it to. The ceremony was performed by Father Darrah, a roving former Catholic priest from the Aran Islands. He left the priesthood to get married and have a family, but still performs ceremonies, not Mass, for weddings. It was held at Newtown Castle in Ballyvaughan, a 16th century castle with three stories. Pat and Barb were married on the third story, way up a winding stone staircase. Family and friends were able to watch from a balcony just above, and the view from there made for some incredible photos. We enjoyed their reception and dinner at Gregan Castle, which is set next the Burren, another breathtakingly beautiful creation of God. It made me stare in awe.

For those of you who have never visited Ireland, I highly recommend it. Those of you who have already been there know how freakishly warm, welcoming and nice the Irish are. It made me feel instantly at home.

Chrissy and I did some shopping, ate at pubs and drank every single night. We met great people from all over Doolin. I learned quickly to acquire a taste for Guinness (served cold everywhere). I also was introduced to several other local beers and liked them all. We heard some great music and laughed until we cried with friends, both re-connecting with old friends and meeting some new ones during the trip.

It gave me a chance to drink in not only local brews but peace and joy. I rested my head. I hung with my sis. I ate things like bangers (sausage), fish & chips, salmon and oddly enough, beef curry. It was all good.

I also was taught the proper way to pour an Irish stout and was able to bartend at the wedding reception... one of the highlights of the trip.

Everything I bought was all made in Ireland, which makes you feel kind of proud for supporting the local economy. I realized that other parts of the world are so much more environmentally conscious than we in the States are. They drive tiny cars and conserve water, and actively preserve the beauty that has surrounded them for generations.

I didn't have to give up my Blackberry entirely and was able to call and text home as much as necessary. Becky learned to text back, and we traded stories every day. I also answered a lot of questions from her.

It's expensive to live there, but worth it for a "holiday," if not for a resident. I totally can see myself living there, happily ever after.

Most importantly this trip gave me a much need break from my world. I cleared my head and was able to think straighter, re-aligning some priorities and hopefully jogging some ways of thinking.

Be nice. To everyone.
Be warm.
Offer help when needed.
Take care of where you live.
Take in the beauty around you.
Be proud of where you come from.
God is alive and well.
Treasure friendships.
Re-connect.
Take some risks.
Do more with much less.
Life is way too short.

Drink more beer.

Cead Mile Failte (Kaid-Mee-la-Fawl-teh) means "One Hundred Thousand Welcomes."

I enjoyed every single one of them.

the blind leading the sighted.

2009-03-16T12:43:00.006-07:00

One of my favorite things about my job is meeting people much different than me, and learning from them.

I worked on a story today about visually impaired high-schoolers.

They were, as you might expect, a real inspiration. Without my own sight, I would not be able to enjoy the abundance of opportunities that I take for granted nearly every single day.

These students typed braille faster than I can type on my keyboard.

They are musicians, sports fans and writers.

They are thoughtful and accepting of their circumstances, far more filled with grace than I am.

One student played an original piano composition for us, then articulated the meaning of the different movements in the piece. He's composed music without ever viewing a single note. And he played it perfectly, without any sign of hesitation.

I was with the students for a couple hours, witnessing how they moved in the hallways and their classroom, aided only by their walking stick and sense of place. And how they joked with each other, dealing with their disability in a positive way.

Today, I was blessed to have been introduced to these kids.

And humbled knowing my personal roadblocks in life are so small in comparison.

tears of another kind.

2009-03-13T12:46:00.000-07:00

I love the process of meeting new people, getting to know them, and letting them get to know me.

My Divorce Care (DC) group at PCC has been an incredible place of new friendships with people who really do understand the hurt, pain, challenges and emotions of going through a divorce, raising kids on your own, and restarting your life.

We had a session on "single sexuality" last night. Not the easiest topic to openly discuss with new acquaintances, but this group has a wonderful sense of humor. Our discussion was not only productive and thoughtful, but also filled with easy laughter and lots of jokes.

Who doesn't love sex jokes?

An important theme has emerged for me from the DC meetings. Laughter is incredibly important in life. Life sometimes holds plenty of stress, sadness, tears, anger, judgment, missteps, and painful lessons.

Without the gift of humor and laughter, life can be a rough road, indeed.

Just think about it. What diffuses a bad mood faster than a good belly laugh at some random ridiculousness? Look, and that random ridiculousness is everywhere.

My DC friends are really talented at lightening the load. Even through a flood of tears, they can make you smile with their kindness, a twist on words spoken, or their own brand of self-deprecating humor.

What a gift to those around them.

When's the last time you laughed until you cried?

Tears of joy beat the other kind, hands down.

a hard day's day.

2009-03-09T11:49:00.000-07:00

My head hurts from thinking too much today.

Literally, I can't clear it. There are so many ideas, plans, things to do, and what ifs, filling it. It weighs me down and makes it hard to feel even "just okay."

There are days when I can overcome the giant weight, but today it seems particularly hard. Work is slow, which doesn't help. The day moves like a snail, giving me way too much of its time on my hands.

Even with tremendous generosity of friends over the past week, and the house becoming much less cluttered and so much more liveable, I can't seem to enjoy the progress. I want to stay there, but I want to leave. Do I try to sell it, or get a roommate? Can I afford the re-fi or will it still be too much for me to handle on my own? Will I even qualify for the re-fi?

I don't know what to do.

I am grateful for options, but when all of the options kinda suck in their own way, maybe something needs to happen to make the path clear for me to travel the "right" way."

I am not even sure there is a "right way."

(insert whining sound here.)

Seriously though, how are you supposed to know what to do?

Life weighs heavily some days. Change is hard.

Maybe I just need to have faith that what will be, will be.

even stinky cheese can be beautiful.

2009-03-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

I went to Oak Park to this really cool deli-bar-coffeeshop-fancy food place called the Marion Street Cheese Market last week.

The assignment was about the rising popularity of "stinky cheese."

Yes, "stinky cheese."

Even though one might balk at what I get paid to do, this one takes the cake. Or the cheese, as it seems.

I was wary, but pleased with the assignment. As a self-proclaimed cheese lover, I was willing to give the stinky cheese a shot.

The place is really cool... with wines, beers, coffee and sandwiches in addition to two giant cases filled with cheese.

I was in heaven.

I got the selection the assignment requested, with the help of the "cheese monger."

We chose to take the photos near the expansive front windows of the shop where the sun poured in, flooding the glass beveled tabletop with late-ish afternoon light.

With God's light and a real love for what I was shooting, it was perfect.

The moral of the story:

There is hope for all.

Even stinky cheese can be beautiful.

the yoke's on me.

2009-02-23T13:49:00.001-08:00

I couldn't resist writing something on this.

It all started Saturday at PCC, where actor Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ," was scheduled to speak this past weekend. He got the flu, we got to hear PT and it was awesome.

I needed PT much more than I needed Jim Caviezel.
PT talked about "blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth." And meek does not equal weak. Moses was meek. And Jesus was meek. And meek back in those days meant a quiet strength, exercised with control. Kind of like, say, doing what you know needs to be done because it's right and good and despite the difficulties you will embrace the task.

Tim explained it so much more clearly. He said it was willingly surrendering to the fact that God is indeed "driving the bus.' You accept that, and you let it be. And you let it be so well that that is the way you choose to live your life. It is strength and acceptance.

PT went on to talk about being "yoked to Jesus." So clearly he explained how in the days when oxen were used to work the fields, farmers would yoke two oxen together, because together, it was so much easier to get things done the right way, the first time.

The picture in my head was so clear as I listened to him. Instead of whipping around alone, in a state of confusion, you can yoke up with Jesus, and the tasks of everyday life get done the right way the first time, with so much less energy and worries. Together is inherently better than going it alone.

I am the type of person, who can "get" a visual idea so much easier than one only explained with words.

And while I might not pay much attention to that yoke on a daily basis, it is so comforting to know it is there and ready to help me make it through life's trials and tasks.

Together is better.

holding it together while letting it go.

2009-02-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

The nice white-haired clerk at Walgreen's knew I had asked the manager for cardboard boxes for packing. So when I checked out and paid for the packing tape I purchased she asked so kindly, "So, where are you moving to?"

The tears came out of nowhere and I managed to choke out, "I really don't know yet. It's a long story, but I can't stay in my house for much longer."

Like any decent grandmother would, she nodded and wished my luck as I hurried to the door of the store, embarrassed that I had let my emotions leak to a complete stranger.

I went back home where my girlfriend Colleen was washing light fixtures and windows for me. Together we began the process of putting away my personal belongings in anticipation of trying to sell the house I had hoped to never move from.

I will take the good with the bad. In a lot of ways, the house, as Chrissy described, had a death happen in it. I never really intended to live here forever after the divorce, but I suppose part of me had wished I might be able to.

Lucky for me, Colleen is much better at making decisions about what to keep, what to give away and what would find a home wherever the girls and I land.

Later, I had a visit with the good doctor and I continued to weep like a baby. He didn't mind, but he also suggested I just let it out and let it go, since it wouldn't be in my best interest to sit on that pity pot for too long, lest it become my new aversion technique to the issues at hand.

Wisely, I agreed.

He also offered some sound advice. That the path I take to get to where I am going is much less important than where I eventually end up. So, like most things, there is no right or wrong way to go about it, but the object is to definitely find myself in a much better place. Physically and emotionally.

I've never had much faith in myself to do anything.

Right now might be a real good time to start.

capturing the spirit of the soul.

2009-02-15T17:39:00.000-08:00

When I set out to start my portrait business, I didn't really know what to expect.

I knew I had the skills to take good photographs, and I had enough knowledge about handling a business.

I had a few definite ideas about what I wanted: I knew that I would use my name for the business. I knew I would take a photojournalistic approach to my portraits. And I knew I wanted to take the type of childhood photographs that the child, once grown, would be thrilled to have hanging in their home:

A moment, frozen in time, that captured his personality and spirit.

I expected to learn on the job, which I have. But nothing quite prepared me for the magnitude of the lesson I learned recently.

I do a lot of regular work with my friend Shannon at Drama Queens in Mokena. DQ is the place of a little girl's dreams... a house filled with seemingly endless racks of dress-up clothes, shoes and accessories, where she and her friends are limited only by their imaginations and how fast they can change outfits.

When I first started doing photographs there, it seemed like non-rocket-science type of work. I mean, really. How hard would it be to take a few snaps of cute little girls in dress-up clothes?

And then, something else evolved.

In the process of meeting hundreds of little girls over the past few months, I realized, that even when it first went unnoticed, as I sat down to take their portrait, every single one of those little girls, whether younger, older, shorter, taller, bigger, smaller, are absolutely beautiful to behold.

Part of it may be the magic and excitement of the day lighting up their eyes. Part of it could be that they are able to dress in sparkly gowns and high heels and big hats.

But mainly, it's their inner beauty that shines through, every single time.

This past weekend, I did portrait work that was not altogether different.

My subjects were adult women and men, who were attending one of the events presented by Cache' Connections, an online dating service for Christians. These participants were kind enough to entrust me with taking their portraits at two separate events, one at Parkview and the other at Calvary Church in Naperville.

Like the little girls at DQ, the grown-ups came in different ages, sizes, colors and shapes. And while at first glance, they may have appeared to be "ordinary," the camera in my hands told me otherwise. These people were truly beautiful.

It's not as though I haven't felt extremely blessed to do the kind of work I do. I always have. But this type of photography is different.

The people I photograph have trusted me to honor and respect them through the portraits, and I am honestly humbled by that. The gift of this work has transformed me with an incredible lesson.

Not only does true beauty comes from within, but all of God's children are truly beautiful to behold.

the value of a hug.

2009-02-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

I want to hug and be hugged more.

From Jessie's regular demand, "I want a HUG!" ...to my friends at church, to those friends I simply haven't seen in awhile, you just can't underestimate the power of that simple act of affection.

I went to Divorce Care last week, and left realizing I had hugged no one. I was late getting in there, and I guess, rushed to leave. But the usual hugfest just didn't happen. And when I thought long enough about it, it made me just a little sad.

Human contact is so necessary on a daily basis, and when you are struggling, it becomes a need that can heal, lift a spirit and repair some damage all at one time.

And as the world gets more digital by the day, and when regular contact with friends and family becomes easier yet so less personal, I forget that a gesture so easily done can mean so much. Even when you don't realize it.

Go ahead and hug it out.

You'll be so glad you did.

borrowing from FB for all non-FB'ers.

2009-02-04T20:10:00.001-08:00

That's FB as in Facebook. Yes, it's a time waster. Yes, it's addictive. Yes, I totally love it!

The friends, the status updates and the instant connections.

It's like electronic high school, but better.

There was this viral thing going around last week called, "25 Random Things About Me." You get a tag from a friend and you're supposed to write your own version and post it to 25 more friends, and so on. It's been fascinating reading what others have written and finding out things from the silly to the serious to the downright scary.

Absolutely awesome.

It was also kind of cathartic for me as well. Like a popular psychology experiment, you start with a single thought and then move on from there, recording what comes to mind. It all kinda goes together, but not really.

If you haven't done this on FB, I recommend the experience. Here's mine. In absolutely no particular order:

1. I want to get a dog: a brown, smallish, already-trained girl shelter dog, so we can name her Dee Brown.
2. I really love the work I do, but the situation we are up against makes my job kinda suck.
3. I learn something new every day.
4. My daughters are sometimes much wiser than me.
5. If I could run away to a deserted island I already know who I would take with me. They know who they are. And I would bring only my iPod and camera and live naked and happy.
6. The four years I spent at U of I are still my best four years to date. I sometimes wonder if that will ever change.
7. I love bacon and watermelon, and could live solely on those two things.
8. I wouldn't trade lives with anyone I know.
9. I would really love to be Michelle Obama's personal photographer. She is totally cool.
10. I am jealous of no one.
11. I am a born-again Christian.
12. Sometimes I don't act Christian-like at all. I am working on that.
13. I swear like a truck driver and probably should work on that as well.
14. I would die if anything bad happened to my girls.
15. I wish I had played competitive softball as a kid.
16. I don't like to fly, but I am going to Ireland in March, and it's the only way to get there.
17. My favorite colors are navy blue and orange, and I make no apologies for it.
18. I slept with a night light until I was in high school.
19. I crack my knuckles.
20. I almost drown once, while on vacation in Cabo San Lucas.
21. I am legally blind without my glasses.
22. I love my Toyota Prius, and I do feel superior while driving it. Yes, I do.
23. I never voted for either George Bush or Rod Blagojevich, and I am very, very proud of that.
24. If I won the lottery, I would pay for all my nieces and nephews college educations. I would also buy resort property in Michigan and run an American Plan resort for families.
25. My biggest wish is to one day be filled overflowing with joy for absolutely no reason at all.

when God's love is palpable.

2009-01-30T04:48:00.000-08:00

"God is Love." 1 John 4:16

First let me get this out there:

I didn't know there was a difference between the Book of John and 1 John until this week. So you know.

These three words are so simple and yet so profound, that it struck me like a bolt of lightening when I read them for the very first time.

I am struggling lately. My life has been on an evil roller coaster ride these past few weeks. It's hard to remember which side is up, and which way to turn so that it hurts the least.

And in the midst of all this, I find out the God is indeed, Love. And better yet, I felt it. And in case you need to know what it feels like:

It's kinda like a big, warm hug on a day filled with sunshine from someone you really, really like.

Last night at Divorce Care, the session was on depression. My group consisted of a few friends and a few people I have just recently met. As as person talked about their own circumstances, the others listened. And in the moment where one of us was feeling weak, torn down and beat up, the others were ready to jump in and save you.

Without even really knowing the group, I felt the love in the room for each other.

It wasn't summoned, it just appeared. And it was good.

Maybe it's there all the time, and I just don't notice it through the trials of life.

I have a feeling that, like the difference between John and 1 John, I have just figured something really obvious, but also really wonderful.

having a sharpay evans kinda day.

2009-01-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

"EVERYBODY... QUIET!"

The emails. The texts. The phone calls. The kids. The boss. The Crazies.
o. m. G.

I thought of Sharpay in my inability to sleep early this morning. The scene is the East High cafeteria in High School Musical 1.

The kids are running around the cafeteria singing, "Stick to the Status Quo," when Sharpay stands on a table and shouts that out, immediately silencing everyone in the room.

I liken it to the Calgon commercials of the 70s, "Calgon, take me away..." and the "Serenity, NOW!" episode of Seinfeld in the 90s.

Some days, it's all too much. At once.

And what to do about it? I'm not sure. It made me giggle just thinking about Sharpay.

My immediate solution was a deep breath, some Sudafed, Excedrin and the blog.

And sincere desire that today might be better.

thoughts on swimming.

2009-01-26T06:08:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I last dove into a pool to do laps. I have missed it, and the moment my arms cut through the water, I felt my muscles relax, my head clear and a sense of relief and control run through my body.

I am a good swimmer.

I never admitted that to myself or anybody else. People have said it to me, but my responses have always been, " I like swimming." Or, "Swimming relaxes me." Never once have I been able to agree that yes, swimming is something I am good at.

I don't channel Dara Torres while I swim, but instead, Michael Phelps. I'm not exactly sure why, but maybe it's because Phelps is super-human-like: amazing, incredible and simply the best at what he does.

Does he amaze himself? Or does he just set goals, have acute focus and dedication and accept nothing less than being the best?

This week, I am going to make a list. The list is going to contain things that bring me joy, satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment. I will remember the stuff I really, really loved doing as a kid (swimming being one of them) and find a way to get back to these activities in my life today.

I often joke with Chrissy about training today for the Senior Olympics. But all I really want is joy and satisfaction in how I spend my time.

If I turn into the Michael Phelps of being happy, well that would be OK, too.

coincidence... i'm thinking not.

2009-01-23T13:24:00.001-08:00

I started reading my Bible regularly these past few weeks, after an awesome sermon series about the Good Book.

Mind you, I never read the Bible. Never did. It just wasn't part of my life, for many reasons. I even thought it was weird that it's like the best selling book of all time.

Today, I'm wrapping up one of the worst emotional weeks of my life. My Bible reading was fast and furious these past few days, looking for peace where I felt I could find none.

I went to my Divorce Care class last night. In the DC video series, Bible passages are often presented to emphasize a point.

Last night's topic was about anger. I didn't fell terribly angry at anyone but myself last night, and didn't think I could draw a lot from it. But I love and absolutely need the support of my DC friends, and even if the topic was on picking daisies, I would still be there just to get their hugs and smiles.

During the video, a passage from Philippians 4 scrolled across the screen. It's a great passage:

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things."

Lo, and behold, as I have followed the recommended reading plan from PCC, which I brought home from the afore-mentioned sermon series, I was on schedule to read Philippians 4 today. I saw that on the screen last night, and I thought, "Cool I will see that in the morning when I read that chapter."

Now mind you... Bible reading completely unchartered territory, heart-wrenching week, need peace, feeling really, really sad, following plan from church, reading Bible, Divorce Care... and this is what I find precedes that passage:

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ."

Really, how cool is that?

I've always loved a good book. And now, I can say I truly do love the Good Book.

PRESIDENT of the United States!

2009-01-22T10:40:00.000-08:00

I spent Tuesday in a hair salon and spa on the South Side of Chicago. It is owned by Laura Williford Williams, and it caters to African-American women. I was there from 10:15AM until 12:30PM, and I loved every minute.

It was the boss' idea to go to regular places and shoot regular people watching PRESIDENT Obama's inauguration. This was one of the coolest assignments I've had so far this year.

I felt pride and emotion swell up as the President first appeared on the TV screen, which was perched in one corner of the salon.

In an instant, all the salon activity froze: the hair weave, the drying under big plastic bubbles and the curler-rolling. Obama walked in with the dignity of a head of state, but also with the warm, easy smile that has endeared him to the masses these past months.

I felt the magnitude of this moment as much as any white girl from the South Side could. But it was nothing compared to the raw, real emotion of this group of women and men. They cheered, hugged and cried as a moment they were sure they would never see in their lifetime took place.

This was an incredible moment for all African-Americans. But it was just as important to our nation as a whole.

We turned a real corner on Tuesday.

And as we've witnessed the past 48 hours, it's time to get to work, together, and make this country great once again.

which shoe fits?

2009-01-18T08:15:00.000-08:00

I've let go of something this weekend.

Maybe I should say it let go of me.

Matters that matter never resolve themselves as quickly as I would like. I've just faced another challenge filled with anger, guilt, shame, and grief.

This time, I can't share the details. Though they matter very much to me, how to deal with the situation matters far more. And through the Great Transformation, I can be better equipped to handle a mess with careful thought and advice from Jack Canfield:

Events are neutral things. Things happen and you do not have control over them. They carry no real weight; they just are. Your response to the event, however, is a variable you can control. You choose whether to be calm, or panic, wallow, laugh or cry. You can be pragmatic, graceful, and accepting. Or you can spiral out of control.

The event + your response = the outcome. E+R=O.

It's always been easy for me to slip into a panic at any sign of disruption in my life. I have always reacted poorly. When something becomes too big, too painful, too hard for me to handle, I bury it. I don't think about it, I don't deal with it, and it lies, unaddressed, manifesting its way in other areas of my psyche and life. Which, as you can probably guess, has always turned into bigger problems.

This time, I can respond differently. I can be honest with my thoughts and my feelings. I can respond calmly and allow everything, no matter how painful, or how hard, set and unfold in its own time. I can accept the consequences, acknowledge the pain and the hurt and deal with them.

It is what it is. In a better frame of mind, I finally understand that while I can't and absolutely do not control every aspect of my life to my satisfaction; I can choose to be present and actively respond in the most positive way possible.

It's time to take a deep breath, accept responsibility and then, let the future unfold. By God's grace, I woke today to a new day filled with a chance to do better with the life I was given.

It's a gift, indeed.

a message for the crazy file.

2009-01-15T08:18:00.001-08:00

So I had a magical experience with my lia sophia sisters at Success Camp this past weekend.

We were treated to an awesome talk by author Jack Canfield, who writes the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books. He talked about the power of the mind. And strangely, it was pretty much the same things that Dr. KA has been telling me for the past month. That revelation was both unexpected and amazing. I decided after this weekend to call 2009, "The Great Transformation." I am re-vamping my bad habits, my mind and my future. It is exhilarating to actively seek a better me. And I recommend this experience to everyone.

Much of the necessary change lies in my own preconceived ideas, and my knee-jerk response to events. Just by slowing down a little bit, taking a deep breath and a having a quick change of thought, I can literally turn anything in a positive direction.

And I gotta tell you, it is awesome.

For instance, instead of telling Patti, "That lunatic bitch kept me there till 4:40 and while this other person go home an hour and a half early." I was calmly able to say, "The sometimes tolerable so-and-so didn't give me my 'get-out-of-jail-free card' today, but it was okay."

See?!? It's that simple.

So, when I got the latest addition to the "crazy file," I was able to laugh out loud, and then call Patti and read it directly to her, and laugh all over again. I am so happy to share the best excerpt here:

"I also wanted to tell you that Sue had to go out and buy boots for Jessica, she said her boots do not fit her and was wearing gym shoes. I pay child support which is supposed to go for clothes, this is the second time Ive had to get her something proper to wear(the first was the jacket when she was walking around in a size 12).

The girls also told my mom they dont wear socks to school because they cant find them. I hope they are wearing socks every day during the winter months. That would be inexcusable."

Yes, because I do regularly send my daughters to school in January without socks on. They can't find them, so I just say, "Oh well, it's only socks."

I hope that 2009 is well on the way to the year of infinite possibilities for you. Canfield said it takes 30 days to change a habit.

Make it a good one!

the first cool photo of 2009.

2009-01-06T16:22:00.001-08:00

crawling out of the funk.

2009-01-06T16:10:00.000-08:00

That probably sounds worse than I meant it to.

You ever have those days when you just don't feel right and you are not even sure why? I've had a few in succession. The good news is, it's getting better.

I wanted to share my favorite photo so far in 2009, from the new Joffrey Ballet School, shot yesterday.

It makes me think of the girls in their beginning ballet classes. A time when watching them dance with scarves brought tears to my eyes. There is something so joyful and free about young girls being allowed to express themselves and not worry about anyone watching them, and making them feel any less than absolutely beautiful.

I have a zillion ideas for this year swimming in my head. I can't wait to get them all down on paper, organize and execute.

I talked to my little sisters today, helped a friend and got good news from the doc. (Nothing big; just logistically good!)

It snowed just enough to make lovely pictures; not enough to be a nuisance.

And at work, there is slight hope the union may be able to avoid layoffs. Stay tuned.

And have a great week.

following up with dr. kickass.

2009-01-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

It's January 4th and I am still on the right path toward my fabulous new year. I even got through a few rough patches this week and I'm still standing.

I visited Dr. Kickass, and even admitted to blogging about him. I told him that I had blogged about him, and asked if he wanted know what I had said. He said I could tell him if I wanted to, but, "Whatever you write, or whatever you say is perfectly okay, because what you think about me doesn't define me. I know who I am, and whatever you think of me really doesn't matter."

Oh, my. I assured him that I meant everything in a very respectful way, and he even laughed when I told him his blog name. Then, we moved on to a discussion about why you do allow people to define who you are.

Is it habit, or do we really believe what others tell us about ourselves? And if that is the case, why? This is just one of the fun questions I get exactly one hour to answer as the good doctor waits, somewhat impatiently, to pick apart the words that exit my mouth.

It's a an odd exercise for me to think before I speak, to ponder word choices and to review the thought before I verbalize it.

"I'm trying not to do that," I said.

Trying isn't really doing anything, he tells me. You've been spinning those wheels for 41 years. If you want different results, you better get ready to "do" instead of "try."

So I leave his office, and think a lot about doing instead of trying.

Change is hard. Life is weird. Welcome, 2009.

don't let the door hit you in the ass...

2008-12-31T09:16:00.000-08:00

It's that night. New Year's Eve.

Turn the calendar page. Start fresh. Opportunity awaits.

Even though it's largely symbolic, it's a great time to say, "So long, sucker!" to 2008.

I am not sad to see this year, the worst on record for me, get the hell out of dodge.

Passing into a new year is a great time to re-evaluate and stay focused on better times ahead: emotionally, physically and financially.

There are no guarantees. Never are. But I do think by writing down concepts now and being able to review and adjust throughout the year is a great way to stay on track.

So I am just going to make a promise to myself to keep healing. To keep trying to do better and be a better person. A better mom, a better friend. A better Christian.

I will improve my health and make all that entails a priority.

I will read more, write more and listen more.

I will take more risks, be more open-minded to new experiences and try not to look backwards quite so often.

I will enjoy the gift of life to the fullest extent possible.

No guarantees. But the quickest route to failing is to never even try.

Happy, amazing and wonderful 2009. I am glad to have you along for the ride.

being alone vs. being lonely.

2008-12-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

I've decided I am not so good at being alone.

The girls are with their dad this week and I went into panic mode on Sunday, home from work with absolutely nothing that had to be done. Quite honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself.

I ended up falling asleep reading a book on the couch at about 7:45 PM. Then, I woke up at around 1AM to get myself into bed, and had the "toilet episode." A broken toilet, overflowing buckets of toilet water. It was awful. But at least it was something.

My friend Bob fixed it up for me the next day, as soon as I called and yelled "help" into his cellphone. You cannot put a price on a friend who also happens to be a plumber.

It's all better now, and I have officially settled into this weird, post-holiday hangover-funk that I can't seem to shake.

It's a weird time of the year for me, and I am seriously wondering if it ever won't be.

I'm from a big family, went to a giant high school and even bigger college. The only time I lived on my own was very, very briefly after college. Other than that, there's always been roommates, and then kids.

I know everyone will tell me, "Enjoy the quiet!" And sure enough the kids will be back driving me crazy before I know it.

But for now, this post-holiday stress disorder kinda sucks.

I am going to have to work at getting comfortable in my own skin, after a lifetime of never having been.

I guess it's about time.

the meaning of Christmas.

2008-12-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it takes a few hours or days to put things into a meaningful perspective. Like the holidays.

How was your Christmas?

I was asked that by many over the past 48 hours or so. I don't know exactly how to answer it. Truthfully? It was happy, sad, ironic, disturbing, fun, lousy and wonderful.

Now, I know I should pick out the good adjectives and toss the rest aside, but we're being honest, right?

The meaning of Christmas for me this year comes at a time where I am beginning to understand the life of Jesus and my place in His story. From that angle, it is a wonderful, amazing and interesting journey.

Being a mom, I treasure the panda bear dangly earrings given to me by my youngest, and the light-up mom key chain from my oldest.

As a sister/daughter/aunt/ex-wife, the time spent with the family was joyous but not without issue. God gives you this family, and maybe it's to test you. Or maybe it's just a really funny joke. I haven't, however, found the punchline yet.

As a friend, I am blessed a thousand times over. The gifts from you are emotional, spiritual and tangible.

The best moment of my Christmas came from sleepy Jess, who was curled up in bed with Bitty baby snuggled under one arm. "You're such a good mom to Bitty," I told her, just as her eyes opened enough so that I could tell she was awake.

"You're such a good mom to me, " she said.

And that was the very best gift, ever.

traditions.

2008-12-23T20:17:00.000-08:00

It's hard getting through the holidays for most. Of course there's all the cool stuff you get to experience; the girl's excitement topping the list. But let's face it, even the most calm, rational beings can have issues this time of year.

It's important for me to have a common base in my house for Christmas. Especially when so much has happened this year. It's nice to rely on our traditions to keep us grounded in what's really important.

We got a great tree this year. It was $14.95 at Home Depot, and it's a beauty. Taking out ornaments are like visiting with old friends. Most have memories attached. During the separation last Christmas, it was hard to face some of those ornaments. This year, with those safely packed away, decorating was much simpler.

My family comes over tomorrow night. I've been a willing host for about eight years, despite my older sister's best efforts to swipe away the honor. I cling to this event because I truly enjoy it, and it's all the girls have ever known.

I've ordered the pierogi, washed Gram's familiar green Christmas Eve dishes and pulled out the 12 Days of Christmas plates. A tradition of a group sing-a-long started quite by accident those eight years ago, and we do it every year. You pick a plate and that's your verse to sing. It's a hilarious five or so minutes, with really awful singing and a lot of laughs.

Tonight, the girls and I attended Christmas service at Parkview. It was beautiful: a candlelight ceremony, Christmas songs and the lesson of the Christmas story. We celebrate the birth of Christ Jesus simply because He was born to take our sin to the cross, so that we might one day live with him in his Kingdom.

Believe and accept that and you're in. That's definitely a reason to celebrate. And attending the candlelight service is a new tradition begun.

Traditions give continuity to life.

Like thread in a quilt, they run all the way through and hold even the most challenging pieces together.

introducing dr. kickass.

2008-12-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

I went to a new therapist today. I've had two therapists in the past 10 years, both women. One moved to New Jersey, and the other I just can't get time to see anymore because of my crazy schedule and her limited availability.

I still think I need to see a therapist, and generally I feel that's a pretty good indication that I should.

I asked for a recommendation from a psychiatrist whose acquaintance I made three years ago, when I was diagnosed with major depression. (I like the major part because it sounds more impressive, though I am not sure if there is actually another kind.)

Anyway, so he gives me the name of one of the therapists in his practice, and today was my first visit.

Now, I love this particular psychiatrist. He's nice, funny and he's been instrumental in helping me with my mental health issues. I want to be fair, so I will say that when he was telling me about this particular therapist, he did say he was probably unlike previous therapists I have encountered.

"If you're looking to sit and chat, well that's not his style," he said. I told him, "Well, if you are recommending him, I was perfectly willing to go with that."

So this morning, I sit down on the small black leather sofa in his office, and ask the therapist (dr. KA) if he wanted my previous doctor's number so he could get caught up on the work I've done, and find out where I'm coming from.

He shakes his head no, and tells me, "Today is today, it's not yesterday."

And, he's not particularly interested in where I've been. He is however, interested in where I'm going.

We're going to talk about the here and now, he told me. Quite honestly. I am here on Wednesdays and Fridays and when I leave, I go home and live my life. This (job) is a very small part of my life, and I don't have time to be calling people to find out what you've been doing the past 10 years.

And that was the first five minutes.

Dr. KA called me out for 55 more minutes. Wanted to know what I wanted out of life, and what exactly I was doing to get there. I'm about empowering, he said. Not about taking money from me for the next 10 years.

I found out pretty quickly he is all about accountability. I was both terrified and fascinated by the questions he fired at me, one after another:

"Why are you here?"
"You say you want to be happy. That's a wonderful goal. Now what exactly does that mean?"
"What are you doing to get there?"
"Do you understand what I just said?"
"Do you know that you will always get the same results if you do what you've always done?"

I found out I'm a "piler." No big surprise there, even though he was talking about emotional piling as much as the actual physical piling that occurs in my house.

And the only way to stop "piling" is to dig out from under all the crap and deal with it, he said.

"You've got so many piles, you don't even know what you've got," he told me at one point.

I walked out of the office with another appointment in a couple weeks.

I'm scared to death.

But in a good way.

joe & deb.

2008-12-18T20:37:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I went out with some truly awesome people. My friends from Divorce Care. They are new-ish when it come to friendship, but in some aspects I feel like I've known them forever.

They make me laugh harder than I have in along time. We make jokes, pick on each other and share observations and advice. Most of all, we enjoy each other's company.

Our regular weekly meetings ended two weeks ago. I miss the camaraderie and support I had grown to count on.

When you bare your souls on a weekly basis, you learn a lot about yourself and others. As a group, I like to think we emerged stronger and more hopeful about the future.

Tonight, we got to hear the love story of Joe & Deb. Deb is the DC group leader; Joe is her husband. The pair are celebrating their first wedding anniversary this week.

When Joe joined DC, he was the only guy in a group of 24. After the session ran its course, Joe and Deb ran into each other, and then made plans with others to go out as a group. Eventually, Joe would ask Deb out, and Deb would show up with her girlfriend until she figured out that Joe just wanted to actually "date." The girlfriend stopped coming along, and Joe & Deb fell in love and got married; the second time for both of them.

If only it were that simple.

As Deb told their story tonight, I learned a couple of important things.

First, you never know what will happen.

And, before Joe & Deb got married, they talked. A lot. About everything. And I do mean everything. It was important to both of them to lay it all out on the table.

Then, something Joe said, that Deb swore she'd never forget:

"You know, there are no guarantees."

At best, Joe explained, when you get married, you have a 50 percent chance of making it work.

This wasn't based on divorce statistics or a study, it was just Joe's own keen observation. You can invest yourself in a marriage 100 percent, he said. But you are only one person in a relationship where you are responsible for 50 percent of its success or failure.

Wow, not good odds, we all thought. But absolutely true.

The second time around has the benefit of past experience to learn from. I hope that isn't lost on my friends as they move ahead into new lives filled with new experiences.

But more than that, I hope everyone was listening tonight as Joe & Deb took their turn sharing.

the nice list.

2008-12-16T15:09:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Jack Higgins.

Dear Santa,

Please bring something wonderful for all these amazing girls and boys. They have been very, very good this year:

Becky Jess Chrissy&Doug Nagelhout Patti&Ed Smith Nickey&Carlos Mendez Jason Nagelhout Kelcie Nagelhout Kailey Smith Keegan Smith Yoo-Hoo Emma Mendez Sophia Mendez Charlie Mendez Gabi Mendez Lizzie Burbatt Danny Vaughan Billy Burbatt Kelly Vaughan Jodi Craigmile Curt Craigmile Deb&Jeff Marin Cathy Gainer Kris&Marc Morrison Nancy Putman Jack Shaver Jim Durkin Rick Webber Bruce Rigoni Sidney Gibson Jana Wennlund Maureen O'Keefe Bob Cupp Steff Karson Ann Metzger Kathy Basil Debbie&Joe Licatesi Lauren Casey Julie Joann Adams Lyssa Klein Gina&Bill Blouin Mary Hogan Kris&Marc Morrison Barb Germany Naomi Mostyn Linda Kooper Maria&Gary Despaltro MB&Pete Schmit Bill&Fish Carissa Germany Donna Lenkiewicz Diane Tubay Eliza Didomizio Dave Hamby Ma'Nique Moore Noreen Heneghan Jackie Pfrommer Jen Karnezis Becky Juntunen Sheila King SCSW Jenn Shaver Carrie Zakula Lisa Snyder Gina Zoetvelt Olivia Anderson Renee Gorski Mother May I Kathy Carr Karen&Bill Novak Carol&Joe Milkins Sharon Canniff Bob&Leslie Quirk Jacky Osowski Tracy Fushi Toby Adamson Steve Stroz Barb Bohn Karen Mellen John Cherise Piltaver Paul Beaty Ernie Torres Barb&Patrick Gordon The Tuider Family Colleen&Don Loconte Melissa Munroe Rich Hein John H. White Bob Black Brian Jackson Kara Spak Paige Wiser Scottie Stewart Keith Hale Tom Cruze Rich Chapman Carrie Ingraisano MB Rowerstein Michelle Latimer Margo Wooge Stephanie Pote Leigh&Brian DuMais Bonnie Smith Char&Jack Hummel Bob Warner Isobel DeRusha Stefano Esposito MB&Steve Johnson MA MB MC Witry Tracey&Tim Edwards Sue Suchy Tim Harlow Paula Kamen Mike Ramsey Jen Odell Kim Maholy Chris Craven Bob Mazzone Misha Davenport Barack&Michelle Obama Holly Richer Kari&Chris Abrahamsen Jen&Greg Kraft Toby Roberts Kayla Truffa Julie Cassara Faith Damm Courtney Sass Aunt Ann&Uncle John Beth McGrath Denise Cundiff Pam Teutmacher Melissa Slattery Mickey&Wynn Wendt Bob&Carol Mattson Marty Lachat Vance Pomransky Jacqui Cook Lisa Papp Lynn Lode Gina Marie Freeland Tom Behnke Miss Cathy Cheryl Swanson The Blank Family Danny Lachat Denise Boksa Tom Bartuska Jeff Hunter Eilean Zavala Lydia Waid Tom Clark The Buell Family Stacy Walker Jen&Terry Geary Julie Martin Patty Cunningham Rummana Hussein Steve Gohston Scott Josephs Liz Digitale Al Podgorski John Kim Dom Najolia Chris Sweda Steve Patterson Chris Fusco Lisa Donovan Kit Donahue Mary Cory Gram Ponz Bernie Tafoya Craig Dellimore Kuni Takahashi Chuck Berman Jose Osorio Alex Garcia Nancy Stone Jim Frost Brian Kersey Dave Hoekstra Tim Lachat Ches Wajda The Mahonys Linda Martin Kim Whitaker Lisa Houtchens Tony Killea Karyn Purvis Chuck Scott Bill Peters Tara Vranas The Fiene Family Jen Anderson The Metzchke Family Hanna Abusharif The Cholkes Dale Teddy Janet Fuller Colleen McKeever Jolie Becker John Madden Paula Burke Janine&Pat Sullivan Dave Klobucar Anne Ryan Matt Grotto Mary Mannix Paula Ryan Jon Gardner Meg Tebo Carol Slezak Bonnie Trafelet Carol&Bob Garcia

baby, it's cold.

2008-12-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

It's (bleepin') cold outside.

The Governor still hasn't made a peep.

Christmas is only nine days away.

Such is life today. I managed to stay indoors most of the day, and then spent a completely enjoyable two hours with my friend Kara, trying to get one of the ex-cons who run the tree lots on the north side of Chicago to talk to us about Christmas tree sales. We almost struck out, but did finally get lucky at a place near Irving Park and the Kennedy. We talked to a mom and daughter who were getting help loading a tree on top of their car, and were able to do the story.

I can't believe I am still able to complain about the cold after 41 years of living in Chicago. But, really... it's merciless today. The kind of day when it's hard to breathe. Imagine if you were Blago, who can't breathe because it's cold outside and because his entire life is crashing down around him.

We took our Girl Scouts caroling today at a senior care facility in Orland Park. We've gone the past few years, and the girls enjoy it. They dress in bright colors and wear Santa hats. They really are stinkin' cute.

The residents really seem to enjoy it as well. With smiles on their faces, they listen to the songs and happily accept a handmade card when it is offered to them. The whole scene reminds me of my Gram, who is always missed, but especially so at Christmas.

Gram always said how much she enjoyed being around her great-grandchildren. Their voices and constant motion never bothered her. She welcomed the break in an otherwise "Groundhog" kind of day.

Tonight, the residents faces lit up as the girls sang. Some sat quietly and others sang along. It was really wonderful to spread a little Christmas cheer to a group of people who are so willing to accept it.

comfort and joy.

2008-12-14T14:18:00.000-08:00

My daughter comforted me in my bed last night. I woke her up crying from a bad dream; she asked me if I was okay, told me everything would be all right, and gave me a hug, telling me to go back to sleep. She's only nine, but has the soul of a very old woman.

This morning, we talked about that, and I explained that I was having a bad dream about work and money, and that I had read somewhere that people dream so they can get stuff out of their head and not go crazy in the waking hours.

She kind of laughed, and the explanation seemed to satisfy her. Then we took a run up to the store formerly known as White Hen to get the ever-important cough drops she and her sister insisted they needed.

I am utterly thankful for my girls. The three of us make quite a team, and as I keep allowing them into decisions about our lives, things just seem to be shoring up nicely for our "girl power."

During service at Parkview yesterday, PT talked about Jesus' birth as a baby, "born unto a woman," and how significant the Christmas story actually is.

He reiterated that it was so very important for Jesus to be born just like all of us, to live life as one of us, so that God could feel all the things we feel and truly understand the human experience. Therefore, PT said, Jesus felt pain and sorrow and stress and loss and was sometimes frightened and worried. He did not live a charmed life, but worked and got dirty and did just what we do every day.

Today, I was comforted by the thought that maybe even Jesus might have occasionally woken up crying from a bad dream, only to realize that someone loved Him enough to reassure him in that moment, that everything would be okay.

it's why we do what we do.

2008-12-10T17:29:00.000-08:00

It was a random Tuesday. Mostly the unexpected happens like that. Like a geurrilla attack, news of the most startling kind has a way of making the rest of my world come screeching to a halt. As far as I knew, I had a High School of the Week photo at Oak Forest. Like every day, I check in with Ernie on the the desk about 7:30AM to see what's up.

"Status quo?" I asked him when he answered the phone. "Wellll..." he said, "The governor just got arrested."

"You've got to be (bleeping) kidding me," I screamed. Nope, he confirmed. It just happened and the Tribune posted it a few minutes ago.

Then he told me to bip my job at Oak Forest and get downtown.

Like a kid on Christmas morning, I gleefully hurried to OFHS. I shot the kids and was out in seven minutes flat; and that included a short conversation with the assistant SD about the governor.

I spoke with Ernie a couple times in the car, and with the adrenalin flowing, headed to Dirksen Federal Building to join the rest of the horde already gathered there. Over the next couple hours, we waited and listened and waited. We talked, read the complaint and speculated on what would happen next.

This news was huge, by anyone's standards. And even when I never had a chance to shoot a single frame of Rod, it's a complete rush to be part of the story. And sitting there, in the courthouse, I knew people would be reading the paper the next day to make sense of it all. And we at the Sun-Times did a great job of breaking down the details and doing just that.

That is what it's all about.

when your competition contemplates bankruptcy...

2008-12-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

and you're completely devastated.

I found out two photographers I admire, respect and genuinely like, were victims of more layoffs at the Trib this week. Despite what people might believe, photographers from both downtown papers generally get along great and are more like co-workers than enemies.

Jim and Milbert are outstanding people. Milbert has a child the same age as my younger daughter, and we always had plenty of notes to compare when, as we say in the business, "saw each other on the street." Jim is one of the finest sports photographers I've ever met. Both are stand-up guys.

I felt like crying when I heard the news. And then, while I can't sleep in these wee hours, I see that the Tribune Company is considering filing for bankruptcy. It's a sign of these very trying times, and the impending end of an era for news in its paper form.

It's a hard pill to swallow for someone whose entire career has been in newspapers. The saddest thing is there are thousands like me across the country, just sitting and waiting for what comes next. And there are people in the business for at least twice as long as me who are close to retirement and counting on a job to make it through the next couple of months or years.

I remember discussing this very issue way back in college in the 80s. My journalism professors at U of I spoke often of the up and coming computer technology with guarded optimism, talking about the enhancing, but possible destructive qualities of the medium.

Back then, it was just a concept, and no one was quite sure how everything would play out. The picture is clearer now, and the news is not good for the papers.

For someone who grew up reading the Sun-Times as the only paper in their Southside home and then actually got to work in the crappy little building on the river, it's absolutely heartbreaking.

So, the news about the Trib is almost as bad as hearing about my own newsroom. The uncertainty of the future is difficult at best. The only option is to hang on and see what happens.

God bless the delete button...

2008-12-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

There are times when I am absolutely, without a doubt, certain that the dissolution of my marriage was in my best interest, and the best interest of my kids.

Don't get me wrong. It was painful and horrible and difficult and some days are still just a chore to get through. But overall, these shining moments of clarity let me know that I did indeed, make the best choice I could have.

Without going into details, Jess came home last night decked out in a very shiny gold metallic coat with a fur-lined hood, and a very big smile on her face after spending the evening with her dad.

I uttered a loud, "Hmm..." when I saw her jump out of the car, and not much else was said. Except for Jessie, who proudly announced, "Hi mom, do you like my new coat?" I said I did, the girls said goodnight to their dad and he took off.

The drop-off was followed up with an email later last night:

"Jessie looks like a homeless child most of the time when I pick her up. Her clothes are mismatched, she rarely has socks on and now the jacket. She tells me that she is wearing clothes like this to school and I don't understand."

I'll suffice it to say that I pick my battles with the kids and when Jess wants to wear a particular coat, as long as it's clean and it's not dragging along on the ground behind her, then I don't worry much about it.

I guess that when two people can't really talk to each other the way normal adults do, situations like this are unavoidable. An uncomfortable exchange that is best left in it's electronic form.

The delete button gets pressed and harmful words are gone, returned forever to cyberspace.

As much as I wish that sometimes life had its own "delete" button, I am trying (really hard) to spin the negative into positive these days.

And I'm absolutely positive that when I followed my heart, it didn't let me down.

it's in the way that you look at it.

2008-11-30T11:37:00.000-08:00

So I am at work talking to a good friend and colleague about the current state of affairs at my beloved Chicago Sun-Times. The news is not good for us. The paper is suffering through many problems, the worst of which is the failing economy and uncertainty of the newspaper industry's future.

We didn't talk about anything groundbreaking, new or surprising. It was more of a, "aren't you worried... and this really sucks" kind of conversation.

"I'm pretty lucky," they said. My eyes grew wide and I answered, "What!?!"

My colleague went on to say how they've worked at a job they've loved for 25 years, and look... they're still here.

"I feel like I've beat the system," they said. "I mean, I can count on one hand the days I came to work and really didn't want to be here."

I nodded because I understood. They were right. Hardly anyone can honestly say that.

And despite my complaints and rough days, both of which have ebbed and flowed with time, it's absolutely true for me, too.

Where else can I meet politicians and celebrities, sample food from the city's best restaurants and talk to anyone about anything. I've laughed, cried and been scared out of my mind, sometimes all in the same day.

The future is horribly, frighteningly uncertain right now. But as I considered what my colleague said, I figured out that I am also really ahead of the game.

And somehow, I was comforted just by that thought.

i'm thankful for...

2008-11-27T06:07:00.000-08:00

God, who never lets me down.
my gift of two extraordinary daughters.
mom and dad, for standing by me no matter what.
my sisters and their husbands, who have reached out and not allowed me to fall.
my nieces and nephews who constantly remind me what's really important.
my extended and extremely wide "friend-family."
my soul sisters. All of them.
friendships, both old and new, that make life worth living.
the Parkview Christian Church Community and Pastor Tim Harlow.
Deb, Joe and Divorce Care.
my Scouts, for teaching me a thing or two.
talent that rediscovers itself every day.
warmth that heats my beautiful home.
angelfood ministries.
drama queens.
jean lachat photography.
the revival project.
a job that provides amazing experiences.
a job that pays the bills.
lia sophia, for the friends and opportunity it has provided.
Barack Obama, the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!
my Nikon D3.
my Prius, for being part of the solution.
my crackberry.
email, text messaging, and facebook.
smugmug.
my blog.
2008, for being infinitely more difficult than any other year of my life.
the amazing possibilities of 2009.
all the laughter, love, happiness, peace and joy awaiting discovery.

What about you?

like a kid in a candy shop.

2008-11-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

It's great having kids around during the holidays. Mine are bouncing off the walls with the prospect of a three-day school week and four-day weekend.

It reminds me of everything that is great about being a kid. They truly take joy in the simplest of things: Thanksgiving feast for Jess and PJ day for Bec. No tests, no homework, and time spent with their cousins.

Their excitement is contagious.

I am not working this Thanksgiving for the first time in years. For that, I truly am thankful. Though I have just a few things to be tended to this weekend, I am excited about seeing my family and actually sitting down with them for dinner, instead of arriving an hour after dinner and eating alone in front of everyone, while they enjoy their dessert and coffee, which has been the norm for me on a working holiday.

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I look back at last year at this time and life was filled with uncertainty and sadness. While I still feel like I am working on getting my act together, this year, I feel much more settled. While life has not been perfect, I have enjoyed more moments of joy than sadness. And for me... well, that is just HUGE!

I hope that the same is true for you this year.

Remember to be like a kid this holiday season.

See the simplest things as cause for a wonderful celebration.

channeling ally mcbeal.

2008-11-23T05:26:00.000-08:00

Remember her? Calista Flockhart's neurotic attorney character had more issues than any of us can technically claim.

But that show was fun, and I became a semi-regular viewer because Chrissy & Doug talked about it so much. I even became a fan the late, great Barry White, strictly because of that show.

Ally went through a whole lotta therapists during her time on TV. Some were looser than she was; Tracey Ullman's therapist character I have always remembered. Her "therapy" has stuck with me throughout the past 10 plus years.

The good doctor had asked Ally to pick a "theme song" as part of her therapy, something peppy or bouncy to help her feel better when things got rough. Ally would switch around theme songs, which would then spontaneously play during shows as Ally battled her inner demons, mostly involving her love life.

I always thought that was a pretty cool concept. So as I have fought my own demons in my life, I have thought what MY theme song should be during certain circumstances. To this day, Chrissy and I still make jokes about theme songs.

When things get stressful and she and I are dumping on each other and apologizing in the process (as girls tend to do) saying, "I'm so sorry, I don't mean to unload all this on you..." We say/sing to each other, "You Ain't Heavy, You're My Brother..." and we both crack up.

So, as your "assignment" for this day/week/year, which as I know has been particularly more stressful for some of you, choose a theme song for yourself.

I am going to do some thinking and get back to you on it! Feel free to comment here on your own great ideas!

Have a great week, and a blessed Thanksgiving.

partying like it's 1987.

2008-11-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

Wow! That's all I can say about my night...

Hung out with some of my all-time favorite people.

Ate a fantastic dinner.

Then saw Dirty Dancing on stage.

Doesn't get any better than that. MBJ gathered a gift together for my 41st birthday, from many of my wonderful friends, and presented me with a gift certificate for the show.

It was soooo cool. It had all the "cheese" of the original movie, plus extra scenes, a few more songs and a little more character and plot depth than the film version. The dancing was phenomenal, and then I got to have a photo taken with the male lead, Josef Brown, aka "Johnny Castle," while holding a watermelon prop from the show.

I will never forget this night. It was perfect.

Thank you, friends. Again.

maxim, a sales manager and no wedding ring...

2008-11-19T14:12:00.000-08:00

... is what Mary and I first noticed as we interviewed a sales manager at a certain auto dealership in the south suburbs today. It was part of our assignment on the horrible economy.

Unknowingly, we both found it ridiculously funny.

"Did you see the Maxim under his desk..." we said in unison while crossing the street back to the lot where our cars were parked.

The manager bore a resemblance to Nicholas Cage, but just slightly and at a certain angle.
In his office, a Maxim magazine featuring "the HOTTEST Bond girl ever," was in plain view.
He was probably in his late 40s and spoke of his son, but he didn't wear a wedding ring.

I love irony.

I asked her if she thought guys noticed wedding rings as much as girls do.

We thought probably not.

We thoroughly enjoyed a good laugh, which is just what we needed at the end of a day of interviews.

And in case you were wondering... yes, the economy does suck.

friends and weekends.

2008-11-16T19:51:00.001-08:00

Doesn't that sound like a Paul Simon song?

I had a perfect weekend... packed with my fun work, my girls and absolutely unbeatable fun with friends.

My highlights:

Bears party with my vacation family: Pennellwood cousins, and some of my all-time favorite people, ever.

Hanging out with my Parkview family.

Bowling and laughing till I (almost) wet my pants.
Staying out till 1AM. (when's the last time that happened!?!)
The first snowfall of the year.
Griffy's "guns."
The shamrock game.
Extra money :)
Awesome portrait sessions. (check out the new gallery being posted by tomorrow night!)
The non-threatening Question game.

I love the process of getting to know people better, and the surprises I enjoy as I find out we are all connected... somehow, someway.

I also love planning, which we did for the holidays and the months to come.

On the schedule:

Partylite at She's
Mexican New Year's Eve.
Jack's Texas Hold 'Em. (cupholders included)
Craps.
More bowling.
A weekend in Indiana.
A week in Minnesota.

More great memories in the making.

Planning sometimes makes life's daily struggles seem less significant and less daunting.

I ran like crazy this weekend, from point A to points B, C, D, E and F.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

ready, set, think.

2008-11-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks Nancy for forwarding on these adorable little emails she gets from:

www.tut.com ®.

Check this one out. It's kind of like "The Secret" in e-mail Cliff's Notes. You can sign up to get brief, inspiring messages delivered to your inbox on a regular basis (you pick deliver days).

You will see what I mean when the come to you. They are short, sweet and inspiring.

The one I received today was, "If you don't know what to think, think positive. If you don't what to do, do anything."

I don't want to trivialize the grand concept at work here, but it so obvious, it's deep.

My weekend is shaping up to be chock-full of fun and opportunities. Time with the girls. Time with friends. A couple lia sophia parties. A couple portrait visits. Bowling and the Bears.

Ready, set, go.

Hope yours is positively great, too.

the b. is back!

2008-11-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

Back from the Happiest Place on Earth, no one was happier than I to have Patti back within shouting distance of me.

She just laughed as I told her how it "felt like she had died..." (even though Kailey texted me regularly all week.) That I needed to, but didn't, take notes on all the stuff I normally would have told her during our regular 5-7 phone calls a day. That I reached for my cellphone and sadly put it back down, remembering my promise to only call in the event of a real emergency.

Running into "a certain Chicago photographer," warranted a few texts in secret code to Kailey, who read them to her mom, but did not constitute an "emergency." sigh...

"President OBAMA! whoop whoop whoop!"
Another text... sigh...

Anyway, she's back and my life earth has returned on its regular axis, and for that I am thankful. And she's read the blog, the emails and seen all the invites for the next month.

Everyone needs a "Patti." Maybe you have one. The friend who finishes your sentences and you can say exactly one word to and both of you immediately understand all the implications.

Like, "Crafty."

She's my go-to gal who loves all of my friends, and who has stood by me through thick, thin and thick, thin, thick, thick, thick. And hopefully thin again.

This b. loves you!!!

Welcome home!

just another mother of two.

2008-11-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

Michelle Obama (oh, and her husband, Barack) were photographed this morning exiting their daughters' school this morning, following a parent/teacher conference.

You gotta love Michelle...

Sweatpants, no make-up. Hair in a ponytail, covered by an Oprah baseball cap.

That's our first lady!

She looks exactly like I will next Friday when I rush out of the house at 7:55AM to meet with the girls' teachers at 8AM.

How awesome is that?

I am happy to delight in these small observations while we wait and see what happens in the months and years ahead. This is so cool!

Have a great weekend y'all.

what a day!

2008-11-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

What's the mood like in Chicago? MBR texted me today from Ohio to find out how things were going at Obama's home base.

Honestly, it was a lot like when the Bulls were winning championship after championship in the 90s. Everyone was smiling at each other, walking with a light step, and being extra kind

Mayor Daley was positively giddy during a press conference this morning.

It was like a club that we all gained membership to in one fell swoop. Downtown glowed, and the warm weather wrapped it's arms around the City of Big Shoulders. We could feel proud, and hopeful and together.

It was awesome, and nothing could ruin the moment.

Lots of high fives... plenty of positive comments from strangers.

I wouldn't trade November 5, 2008 in Chicago to be anywhere else. Because there is nowhere else I would rather be than where Daley described as, "the city that is the envy of the world."

Home, sweet home.

yes we can. yes we did!

2008-11-05T09:06:00.001-08:00

This is so incredible. I try to wrap my head around it. And in explaining to the girls this morning about the significance of a black president, I realized it truly is mind-boggling.

GO BARACK!

Now, after experiencing history, I hope and pray Obama demonstrates the knowledge, intelligence and good judgment to lead this country for all of us in the direction it needs to go.

I feel hopeful, for the first time in a long time about the state of our nation.

Now for the humor...

I had lunch with Michelle Obama when Barack was running for senator. Deb Pickett was doing her "Sunday Lunch with..." column and I went along with her to a restaurant in Hyde Park. Michelle was awesome. Smart, beautiful, funny and in so many ways, the kind of person I would want to be friends with if given the chance.

For lunch, I ordered chicken breast on the bone. It was delivered to the table, and as I stuck a fork in it and went to cut the meat off the bone, the piece of chicken flew across the table. I was totally mortified and apologized immediately. Michelle leaned over and said, "That's why I never order anything with a bone in it."

We all laughed and lunch went on. She was as delightful as she was smart, and I know she will make an excellent First Lady.

Enjoy this week, and the gift of beautiful weather.
Enjoy also this moment in history.

making history.

2008-11-04T15:35:00.000-08:00

The first thought that popped in my head this morning when I opened my eyes was, "I gotta go vote!" Like a kid on Christmas morning, I headed up to Mokena Village Hall and did just that, participating in possibly the most significant presidential election in my lifetime.

It was empowering.

Even though I have never, ever missed voting in an election since I was old enough to vote, I just love the process.

I love how my town's Village Hall is a "Village Hall." I love the election judges; retired folks who move at their own pace, oblivious to the other commitments you have for the day.

I love the unsteady cardboard booths, and the fact that in this technological age, I still fill a circle with a pen on my ballot.

It's the ultimate in a democracy, and I am filled with hope that this time, change really can occur and it will occur in ways we as Americans never dreamed possible.

Today I voted for me and for my kids.

I hope you did too.

Jesus is driving the bus and God is my co-pilot.

2008-11-02T04:53:00.000-08:00

Or something like that. Patti saw this on a bumper sticker and called me (while she was driving, no less) to tell me she was going to find one for me.

I love the humor in this truth. I spent last evening in the company of my friends from Divorce Care and the Singles Ministry at PCC, and we had a great time. I found out that a few of the guys are "allmysoulsisters" too. And I mean that in the most wonderful way possible. So, a big shout-out to Jack and Rick, thanks for reading!

I am an Evangelical Christian, aka, "born again."

It's easier to say that to myself; harder to say it out loud. It's been an enlightening, spiritual and really wonderful journey so far. I have learned so much, and have been filled with a joy and calmness I haven't experienced in recent memory.

But spending the evening with my PCC buddies makes me realize that I am experiencing something that makes me a better person. It has not taken away from "me," but has just added the understanding that I am "me" because I am a child of God, and I am living the life He so wants me to have.

And when I can go out with other Christians and be throwing back beers, talking about "Weiner Wednesday, " boobs and Chinese donuts, I realized that Jesus can drive the bus, and I am truly along for the ride of my life.

getting satisfaction.

2008-10-27T03:32:00.001-07:00

I feel pretty good these days. And I haven't posted in a while, so I guess I was kind of thinking I didn't need my "online therapy," aka, my blog. But I am figuring out that it's good to write about the good stuff too. To constantly be reminded of the blessings you receive every single day in multitude.

I had a fabulous night Friday with the girls and their friends, and moms and Don, as we whooped it up for the HSM3 premiere in New Lenox. There is nothing quite like knowing, in the midst of an event, that you are participating in a night that people will remember for the rest of their lives. The moms talked about when they first saw "Grease" and "Star Wars." Do you remember those experiences? This was kind of like that level of excitement, except I got to scream out loud when Zac Efron appeared on stage! whoop-whoop-whoop!

It was a blast!

But I digress...

My photo business is gaining momentum, and I have kicked off my "revival project," a charitable endeavor that I hope will have a life of it's own and help me to feel very, very good about the gift I possess and the way I choose to use it.

Every month I will devote a few hours (in Chicago, we say "a couple, two, tree") to photographing single moms and their children for a "new-ish" family portrait. I have figured out a few basic truths in the past year:

1. Everyone loves photos of themselves with their kids.
2. Photographs stabilize life and bring great joy to all who surround themselves with them.
3. Single moms need new photos during a difficult time, and their resources can be very strained.

For $25, I will take the portrait, give the mom an 8x10 photograph and donate $10 to the Crisis Center for South Suburbia, a local organization that provides assistance to battered women and children.

I feel very, very good about this latest project. It is a labor of love, and any single mom is welcome to participate whether they are divorced, separated, widowed or never been married.

I am not interested in the circumstances of someone's personal life, but do want to spread the word.

So, do me that favor and let's all get some satisfaction.

Have a great week.

there's no place like home.

2008-10-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

So the game outcome was the only slightly less-than-great thing about being back in Champaign this Homecoming weekend. It was a balmy 88 degrees and we were roasting in the upper deck. The girls did great and had fun cheering for the Illini. They love going there, and I love that they do.

I also had the pleasure of the company of my niece, Lizzie, who is thinking about going there in two years to study engineering. Yes, she is both beautiful and smart! Considering I have been gently nudging her in that direction since she was born, no one could be happier!

We made our annual photos by the Alma Mater statue, and she is as beautiful as ever!

The Quad trees are turning red and gold, and it felt like the very best days spent on campus as a student. We snuck into classrooms at Gregory Hall, and the girls sat at desks in some of the rooms that I learned about journalism, philosophy and history. Greg Hall smelled exactly the same, and it was like a warm, comfortable blanket. Ever reliable for the way it always was and likely ever will be.

I spent Saturday night at the DI, in their fantastic new building on Green Street. It's not where I worked while I was there (20 years ago now, YIKES!) but it still feels like coming home.

And that's the key. The audience at dinner ranged in age from 93! to current students. And though not tied by years spent working together, we all enjoyed the same experience of working for the paper. We learned the sense of camaraderie and teamwork was the very same in 1935 as it was in 1985. It pretty much is the same in 2008. The connective thread is amazing, so that even if you don't know each other, you kind of know each other, if that makes sense.

I was so happy to be there, sharing the experience of my "home away from home" with three young women I love, and lots of friends that I love too.

I can't wait to go back!

so how late was he?

2008-10-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Chicago State University to cover a dedication of the "Emil and Patricia Jones Convocational Center" at Chicago State University. It was a lovely event, and a gathering of the powerhouse Jones family with Emil's son, Emil III getting ready to take over dad's seat in Springfield, and a tribute to a man who spent most of his adult life in politics.

So, Blagojevich was there. A half-hour late. Which is early for him. This particular government official doesn't wear a watch, and regularly shows up late anywhere he is expected to be. I once waited upwards of two hours and 45 minutes for him to show his face at an expected appearance, and I am not kidding.

The bigger picture of this is that it reminds me how disrespectful it is, not to the news media in particular (though it is) but to people like Emil Jones, who was expecting to dedicate a building at 10AM that had his and his late wife Patricia's name on it.

I suffer my own shortcomings when I need to be on time. I recognize it, I admit and I am working on it. I have friends who are ALWAYS on time (Patti) and those who are NEVER on time (not mentioning!)

But I am working on it, and hanging around the guv certainly makes for a good reminder on how to lose friends and alienate people.

Get a watch.

every day is a new blank page.

2008-10-02T19:40:00.001-07:00

Ooops, sorry for those who got the blank email just now! I accidentally sent without writing. Quickest read on the Internet!

My dad was over last night. He summed up the election in three sentences:

She's an idiot. He's old. Do you want her running the country if he dies?

(I just wanted to share that lug nut of wisdom with you!)

I had some great things happen to me this week. I have a great new opportunity to grow my business through a partnership with Drama Queens here in Mokena, which hosts little girls dress-up birthday parties. Thank you Nickey, whose eyes and ears are spectacular! I am ironing out the details, but it looks like it will work. I also received three calls from people wanting me to do work for them.

The Sox made it into the playoffs, and it's a good thing it's a five-game series. Boo Devil Rays.

After this year, I hope to never work another Christmas as long as I live. I said that out loud today.

I am continuing in my Divorce Care class, which I really enjoy. I have met some great people, and the friendships are shoring up for the long term!

The best bit of wisdom I can share came from class tonight:

Every day is a fresh start, every day is a blank page in the re-write of your story. Even when things don't go as you had thought, hoped and wished, you still have that blank page. Decide what you are going to do with it, and re-write your story.

On a sad note, a girl I knew from high school, Karen Praska, died this past weekend. She was 41 and had a great husband and four children.

Her life was way too short. Please keep her in your prayers.

it's my birthday!

2008-09-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

And even though I already celebrated with the best group of friends ever assembled, there is still some magic waking up on your birthday. My beautiful daughters fixed me breakfast in bed, even after I yelled at Becky for coming downstairs and looking in the fridge at 9:30 last night. It was the best breakfast I ever had.

I had good dreams, instead of the nightmares that I have become plagued with recently.

I received emails and calls from family and friends, and a surprise gift from my neighbor around the corner, Kris, who has done for me to help with the kids than I could probably ever repay.

It's a beautiful day and I am happy to be entering a new year for me, filled with possibilities, happiness and my great life.

I am so glad you all are along for the ride.

plan b.

2008-09-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

I was at Divorce Care tonight, a support group that I joined that is really helpful and really a nice way to spend my precious time.

We watch a video, eat snacks and then break into small groups to talk about the video.

Tonight the topic was anger. However, the coolest thing I picked up tonight was not about anger at all.

One person in our group was talking about how you make a lot of plans while you are married... where you live, where you'll raise your kids, what you'll do when the kids move out, and where you'll retire. When you divorce, all those plans get tossed, and that can make for a very rough time for a person.

Our leader, who is now happily married for the second time, responded that those are all plans that get tossed, and when you get divorced you have to adjust to being on your own. You alone are responsible for the decisions, and its a learning process. You just have to go through it. So, you make new plans. And just when you start thinking you have it all figured out, something happens, like meeting someone new, and those plans get tossed as well.

We joked about that. "Plan B."

The best "Plan B," our leader said, is to have no plan.

I like Plan B.

the best things that happened to me today.

2008-09-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

The sun rose and shined all day in a deep blue, cloudless sky.
I stayed out of the office most of the day.
I was reminded that Ernie is definitely my buddy!
I was invited to talk about Ponz at the Daily Illini dinner next month.
I donated gift certificates to the DI raffle.
I got to talk to my therapist and we decided I am doing good :)
I talked to both my little sisters today.
I talked to Tommy and Timmy Quinlan and they made me laugh.
I have a positive balance in checkbook.
Ed invited me to a Texas Hold 'Em tournament.
I got to listen to the girls sing along with the HSM soundtrack.
I ate ice cream for dinner.

What happened to you today?

living on the dash.

2008-09-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

It's the new sermon series at Parkview Church, thanks to Pastor Tim Harlow. I am just spreading the word!

What's on your bucket list? If you knew you only had 30 days to live...
What would you do? How would you live those days?

The whole point is living the dash between your "start date" and "end date." That little tiny dash is really all you have. What are you going to do with it? How would you like to be remembered?

It's a thought-provoking concept, and I spent a lot of time thinking about it yesterday. I took my journal and started writing. Some of the items, I try to do daily. I really do. I try to be thankful for my very good life. I try to enjoy every minute I have with the girls. I try to let my friends know how much they mean to me, and how blessed I am with a great girlfriend family.

But, I would worry less about how much I weighed and savor the food I eat. I would breathe deep and enjoy the surroundings I have. I would pay more attention when the girls speak to me.

I would also leave a legacy of photographs for them. I would organize photos in books for them, and I would shoot a million photos for the next 30 days.

I would invest time in my photography business and document as many families as possible.

My list goes on a little longer, but you get the idea.

If you feel like sharing, tell how you would live your dash. It's pretty liberating!

Have a great week!

it's my name, don't wear it out.

2008-09-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

I talked with Michele and mom at my cousin's lia sophia party Friday night. They were writing out checks for their purchases, and asked to whom the check should be written to. Michele commented on how weird it was to write Jean Lachat again.

I told her that's my name. I like it and it suits me very well. I am glad to have it back.

Then, I worked the baby expo all day yesterday, promoting my photography biz. It went great! There were tons of families interested in what I am offering, and I will follow up with them this week to try and book myself silly.

This morning as I got ready to take a shower, I started thinking about the booth, and why exactly I enjoyed it so much.

This is my new baby, my very own business, and my name is splashed across every facet. I am personally invested, and I am responsible for its ultimate success or failure.

Knowing that failure with me is never an option, I like the fact that me, myself and I am responsible.

I don't like counting on other people. And that spreads across every facet of my life.

Granted I do depend so much on so many people in my personal life. And that bridge is amazing and strong and never lets me down. And the friends I have have lent their support, unconditionally, to this new gig in various and continuous ways.

But, the fact that I am driving the bus (as we say at the paper) is a powerful responsibility and I like it!

Jean Lachat has a nice ring to it. I think she will do great.

the funnest day ever.

2008-09-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

I took the girls to the Disney on Ice show Tuesday night. I don't particularly enjoy the ice show. They are okay. Some are better than others. But we get tickets every time the new one comes to town from the PR firm that handles the shows.

The girls love the ice show, so we go.

This one was a silly little story about the Incredibles at Disneyland. They go for vacation, Syndrome tries to take the place over and the Incredibles save the day. I dozed through most of the second half, waking up enough (barely) to drive home. As we left the UC, my dear, sweet little Jessie is holding my hand. I ask her, "So, how did you like the ice show?"

She responded, "It was great. This was my funnest day of my life, ever."

Hard to argue with the funnest day ever.

I felt pretty good about that. Not that this was a huge sacrifice or anything. I did get to show them the Michael Jordan statue and school them in his greatness. (To which Becky asked, "When did he die?") But I was happy to have done something that meant something for them.

We do it all the time. We wash, we clean, we cook. We take them places, we do stuff with them.

But nothing quote compares with having a hand in the "funnest day ever."

I hope to have another one of those very soon.